Last Weekly Blog

Hey friends,

I started this attempt at writing a blog almost 1 year ago and it’s been fun for me...I hope it’s been fun for you too.  It was a new experience for me...that of putting my thoughts out there for you to read.  It was never really difficult to come up with thoughts for each week because I always have some weird things that are running through my mind.  This blog was just an outlet for these thoughts to find a place to rest.

2 weeks ago, I tried my hand at stand-up.  I loved it.  I loved it so much, that I went again the following week.  It is now apparent that I’ll keep going...and going.  If I didn’t have an actual job, I’d do stand-up AND write a weekly blog, but since that is not the case...I don’t believe that I can do both.  Now is the time for me to work on my stand-up.  I need to do stand-up now because I don’t know how long my knees will hold up.  If I suffer an injury on stage then, I’ll know that the blog is an option, but until then...

As I look back at my blogging year - there are several posts that rise to the top for me as my favorites.  Below is my last Top 10 List.  If you’re bored over the holidays...feel free to read a few of these posts.  It’ll be a good excuse to get you out of talking to your uncle Carl.

Jon’s Top 10 Blog Posts of 2011

10.  An Apple A Day

  9.  Did My Phone Ring?

  8.  You Readin’ A Blog?

  7.  Mesh Netting and Bongo Drums

  6.  “Fun Size” Candy Bars

  5.  Charlie Chuckle

  4.  Mission Complete

  3.  Eat, Drink and Get Diabetes

  2.  I Don’t Really Think This Is The Time

And Jon’s Favorite Blog Post of 2011 is

The Sneeze That Changed My Life

...Honorable Mentions

You Should Have Thought About Eating Fruit Before Now

Polite, but Lazy

This really has been fun for me.  I’ll probably post from time to time.  I'm sure I'll see something or think about something that I'll want to put out there, but it won’t be a weekly thing.

Thanks for your support and your interest in my odd thoughts.

Hope you’ve enjoyed reading.

Have a great day!

JJ


Feel free to check my stand-up out in person .... or on Youtube:  
Jon Jamison "Phone Tag",   Jon Jamison "Mysterious" ,     Jon Jamison "McDonald's" .
 

Blue Ribbon BBQ

There are several things about BBQ restaurants that make them...just a little bit different.  Today I'm going to share a few random thoughts related to these things.

-Does anyone know how to actually spell Barbeque?  It has more acceptable spellings than Gadhaffi.  Barbeque...Barbecue...BBQ.  My spell check likes Barbecue, but I don't.  I'm gonna go with Barbeque.  I hope we can still be friends.

-You can tell you are going to be eating at a BBQ place just by reading the name.

Think "Billy's Smokehouse" or “The Smokeshack” - its no secret that you're gonna be eating bbq.  Why do barbeque restaurants so often have to have "smoke" in the name?  Are we not able to make assumptions as to how the fare is prepared without such descriptions in the title.  I can go to a seafood restaurant without having to know how the seafood was caught or prepared.  There is not a seafood restaurant named, “Pan Seared Paradise”.  Deli’s and sandwich joints may get a little clever at times, but they don’t describe how they are going to make the sandwich.  I've never been to a sandwich place with the word, "Sliced" in the title.

-What's up with all of the ribbons and supposed victories at bbq championships in these restaurants?  I’ve never been in a bbq restaurant without the blue ribbons being exposed.  On the other hand, I’ve never seen these adornments in a different type of restaurant.  Are Barbeque places the only restaurants that have contests?  I've never been in a Burger joint with a large check hanging on the wall and a host of blue ribbons dangling from the ceiling.  It seems that bbq restaurants have a bit of a need to be patted on the back...it’s sad, really.

-Barbeque restaurants often have a picture of a really cute and happy pig in their logo too.  I've been to steak restaurants with a big steer out front, but he never seemed cute or happy to be there.  He usually seems to know that this isn't going to go well for him.  The pig is different though...he’s all too happy to bring you inside to a feast in which he is the star.

-I saw a barbeque restaurant the other day called, "Three Blind Pigs".  Here we have the standard Pig reference, but we seem to have mixed up our nursery rhymes.  I'm thinking that "Three Blind Mice" is not quite the mental image that I want to have when entering a restaurant.  That brings cleanliness into question on a number of levels.

If I could give you a big blue ribbon for reading this blog, I would.  But then there would be delivery issues...how much would it cost to mail them all?  How much do those ribbons even cost?  A lot, I bet.  I've been kind of busy lately, I'm not even sure I'd have time to design such a banner right now.  Maybe, I could do something after the holidays...

Look, I appreciate you reading - but on second thought, I'm not gonna send you anything.  Sorry.

Have a great day.

JJ

NO STANDING

I had to drive several hours the other day and, as I drove, I saw dozens and dozens of road signs that seemed to be unnecessary.  I get that there should be signs, but we may be overdoing it in the sign department.

The first that got my attention was a sign near a construction zone that read, “Men Working”.  First of all, I’m not sure this is accurate.  I don’t often see “Men Working”, but perhaps “Men Standing Around” would be more accurate.  Maybe having a sign that reads, “1 Man Working and 3 Men Watching” would be better.  Better still, how about, “Man Holding Flag”?  I think that this would best depict what you’re about to see.

I’d love to see a sign that read, “You’re about to see some abandoned equipment up ahead”.  If sign makers were being truthful, I would’ve seen this sign at least 3 times on this latest trip.

I’m still not sure we need to know all of the details that we’re given.  You don’t have any of these signs around your workplace:  “Attention, Guy Doing Some Filing In Next Room.”  Facebook Certainly, nobody needs this sign as they approach your desk - “Lady Checking Ahead”.  Overdoing it just a bit, I think.

Obviously, I also saw quite a few Speed Limit signs too.  No argument here - these are needed, but I also saw a Speed Minimum Sign.  This one seems unnecessary to me.  I can see someone saying, “Honey, slow down...Don’t speed!”  However, I can’t see a conversation that goes like this, “Watch it honey, there’s a cop!  You better speed up right now!  Seriously, we are going way too slow.  If you don’t take it out of 2nd gear...we’re are totally gonna get busted!”  Seems weird, right?

The last sign I’ll mention is a sign that I saw while I was walking downtown the other day.  This sign read, “NO STANDING”.  What??!  ‘No Standing’?  How am I supposed to walk down the sidewalk and not stand?  I twisted and contorted my body just trying to obey the law.  I certainly don’t need to go to prison for breaking this insignificant law.  That would be wildly embarrassing.  

Prison Cell Mate: “Hey, what are you in for?”                                                                               Me: “Standing.”                                                                                                                             Prison Cell Mate: “I’m going to kill you now.”                                                                                Me: “I know.”

As you can see, some signs are inaccurate, some are unnecessary and still others are just plain confusing (not to mention, dangerous).

I’m glad there are sings, but I’m not sure I have enough legal expertise to understand what they all mean.

Thanks for reading.  Have a great day and. . . stand wherever you want to, just because you can!

JJ

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is right around the corner.  In fact, it may be even closer than that...Thanksgiving is only 3 days away and I’m ready for it. 

Much is made of Thanksgiving these days.  We hear people talking about being thankful.  We hear talk of turkey and dressing.  We are inundated with Holiday talk as this day officially ushers the Christmas season into our midst.  There is no way around it, Thanksgiving is fun.

We are often reminded of the Pilgrims during these days.  We are reminded how they bravely set out toward a new world in search of freedom.  We are told how difficult life was in the early years as they were faced with many hardships.  As I have been thinking about the Pilgrims, it has brought to mind a few thoughts.   

My Top 10 Thoughts About Pilgrims And The 1st Thanksgiving

10.  If Pilgrims were here today...they’d be crazy old.  

  9.  If Pilgrims were here today...I think they’d be disappointed at how poorly their hats with buckles would be received.

  8.  I bet the Pilgrims were just as annoyed by the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade as we are.

  7.  Some people think that the Pilgrims watched football after dinner.  That’s ridiculous!  They totally watched soccer.  #England

  6.  I bet it was pretty awkward for the Pilgrim if the person answering the Turkey hot line was in England.

  5.  The wisest and most successful Pilgrims came to dinner wearing stretchy pants.

  4.  It’s a true, but little known fact that for the 1st Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims ate at a Denny’s, just South of Plymouth Rock.

  3.  It wasn’t until nearly 200 years after the 1st Thanksgiving that the custom of bathing at some point during Thanksgiving week became commonplace.

  2.  We can officially blame Pilgrim John Howland for the introduction of the “Kids Table” at Thanksgiving dinner.  

And My Number One Thought About Pilgrims And The 1st Thanksgiving Is...

After dinner, the elder Pilgrims fell asleep and drooled in their easy chairs while the younger Pilgrims texted each other on their iPhones.

I’m thankful for the time you spend reading my thoughts.  If you've enjoyed your reading, I’d really be thankful if you’d repost or retweet this Thanksgiving blog. 

Hope you’ve enjoyed...and I hope you have a great Thanksgiving.

JJ

The Anatomy of Flight

I flew today.

Don't get too excited, I was actually just a passenger on an airplane while the pilot did most of the actual flying. Being on the plane did give me an opportunity to think about the culture that exists on airplanes though.

Like it or not, if you travel alone, you are forced into a relationship with fellow travelers. This can be a positive experience or it could be....have you ever seen the movie "Planes Trains and Automobiles"? It could be nightmarish.

I've noticed three types of "relationships" that develop in the aluminum tube in the sky. (excuse the flying lingo) You'll usually get one of these options...

1. The "I'm gonna pretend you're not here" guy. This is the guy who does everything he can to ignore you while sending a message that he is just way too preoccupied to engage in meaningless conversation. This is usually accomplished by giving you no eye contact. He will also make a big show of his headphones, his book or his uncontrollable sleepiness.

I once saw a guy that ate a footling sub sandwich and added a half a pack of mayo for each bite...just to ensure that he wasn't bothered. Believe me...I didn't want to interrupt. I wanted to die, but I certainly wasn't gonna start a conversation. Maybe slip him my cardiologist's card, but no conversation. For you, this is a solitary flight...but that's ok. It could be worse...much worse.

The second option will make you long for the complexity and uncomfortableness of the first.

2. This is the "Impromptu counseling session" guy.

This is the guy who is actually already talking to you as he sets down. He basically says, "I'm gonna use the next 3 hours to tell you all of my worries." Then, beginning with his earliest memories, he leans on you for comfort and wise counsel. His childhood was troubled. His dad had the Jimmy legs and his mom had 11 toes. Life has been tough and his gambling addiction sure hasn't done him any favors. He plays the ponies and he can just feel that his luck is about to change...

Just as you are thinking that it couldn't get any worse...it happens...he becomes the counselor/investigator. You are the client/suspect and all attention is now on you. He reaches up and turns the overhead spotlight on and begins his interrogation. "Where are you going?", he asks. The light is burning and you feel like this guy's seen too many episodes of Law and Order. "What are you passionate about?" "Tell me about your dreams", he says with a little too much excitement. I'll tell you what you're dreaming about, right now you're dreaming of moving to that open seat in row 14.

And now we come to the third and final traveling companion...

3. This is the "Landing Gear Buddy".

This is the most complex guy.. For the first two hours and fifty minutes he looks like guy #1...avoiding eye contact, fiddling with the iPod, reading, sleeping...the whole deal..

But then, just as the landing gear drops, he springs into action. He turns to you...excited and ready to talk ... and more importantly, ready to hear from you. "Here on business?" "Hope you don't have a long drive once we land."

This guy's so normal....too bad the flight's almost over. You could almost see yourself hangin' out with this guy. This guy is the most complex, but he's also the most normal.

He's been afraid that you were guy #2 all of this time and was afraid to engage you in any conversation. What if he'd opened up the conversation at take off and then would've been forced to listen to your story about that time your cousin Carl forgot your birthday.

Once the landing gear is down, however...he knows that the clock is ticking. He's in the safety zone known as "final approach." It'd be rude not to say anything.

I like this guy. I appreciate this guy. I am this guy.

Here's to traveling with new "friends." Here's to sitting next to guy number 3. More importantly...here's to you NOT being guy #2.

JJ

Clock Confusion

Daylight Savings Time has always been a difficult concept for me.  How is it that we have such power that we can just get together and say, “Ok, people...it is now 4:15.”  It’s a cool idea, but just not one that I fully grasp.

Having now admitted my intellectual limitations - I need to share a recent experience with Daylight Savings Time.  Actually, it was the cessation of Daylight Savings Time this past weekend that brought about an issue for me.  Side note:  I so miss Daylight Savings Time.  I desperately hate it getting dark before I finish eating lunch!

According to the “powers that be”, Daylight Savings Time literally ended at 2am on Sunday morning.  Now, I’m not one to buck the system or choose to skate by on minimal effort.  For those of you who know me, you’ll agree that I’m nothing, if not a purist.  Being ever the purist...I felt that I needed to closely adhere to what the experts were instructing of us followers.

The plan was set and I must admit - it was foolproof...or so I thought.  I set my alarm for 2 am.  My plan was to wake up and back my clock up to 1 so that I would erase any opportunity for failure or disaster.  What I hadn’t planned on was how sleepy and unthinking I am at 2 am.

Most of this is foggy, but this is what I believe happened in the early hours of Sunday morning.

2 am - Alarm goes off.  I jump up and somehow remember to set my clock to the appropriate hour.

1:01 am - I am asleep.

Unfortunately, in my sleepiness, I forgot to unset my alarm.

2 am - Alarm goes off...again.  I jump up and somehow remember to set my clock to 1 am, but I forgot that I had already done this once before.  I also forgot turn the alarm off.

1:01 am - I am asleep.

2 am - Alarm goes off...again.

You see my dilemma.  I’m basically living my own little version of Bill Murray in “Groundhog Day”

1st of all, let me say that all I was trying to do was to hold closely to the standard set forth by our great nation.  2nd...I’m a nice person - don’t judge.  3rd...I’ve realized that I’m really kind of out of it in the middle of the night.  I once rocked a throw pillow for an hour when I thought I was rocking my infant daughter back to sleep.  It was a special time for me and that little pillow.

Well - on this little routine went for a great number of hours.  I’m a little bit embarrassed to tell you how long it actually lasted, but let me just say...I missed a number of appointments on Sunday morning and then on into the afternoon.  On another note - you wouldn’t believe how well rested I am right now.

Here’s to Daylight Savings time.  Here’s to it getting dark way to early.  Here’s to being a purist...and an idiot.

JJ

Walgreens

I was just at Walgreens Pharmacy picking up a prescription for my daughter.  As I’m walking down one of the aisles heading to the back of the store I saw a lady taking something off of one of the shelves.  For some reason, the item that she was taking was under an enclosed plastic door.  She raised the little plastic door to retrieve her item and a small alarm sounded.  This alarm sounded, just as I was approaching the lady.  She looked at me in horror and I felt that I needed to say something.  My intent was to ease her worries.  Unfortunately, I don’t think that I accomplished my goal.  

I’m not sure why, but this came out:  “Yikes, that could be embarrassing!”  

“That could be embarrassing!”??  What was I thinking?  I actually said this to the mortified lady.  I continued walking and then turned to see what it was that the lady was taking and it happened to be diarrhea medication.  Was she embarrassed?  Probably.  Was I a moron?  Definitely.  Why was there an alarm on a laxative though?  Why would the store want an alarm to sound for this item?  As if the person wouldn’t be tentative enough purchasing diarrhea meds.  Why not just have the manager come over the intercom and introduce the lady as she reaches in for her desperately needed (and private) item?

“Attention customers...You’re not going to believe what this lady is buying in aisle 6!  Stand clear shoppers, stand clear!”

The moral of this story is:  “Sometimes, the last thing you need is for someone to be a jerk to you when you really just need to go to the bathroom.”

Unfortunately, this wasn’t my only experience of the day.  Thankfully, for the other customers though, my other experiences were all internal.  I must say that I was a bit surprised by some of the items that were on the shelves.  None of these “Surprising” items had alarms attached to them though.

Everyone knows that you can get most anything at these “one stop” shops.  Magazines, snacks, deodorant and makeup are mainstays.  Some of the additional items that are carried are a bit different than the mainstays and have caught me a bit off guard.

Did you know that you can get “At-home” drug tests at Walgreens?  Really.  They boldly proclaim on their packaging that it is 99.9% accurate at revealing Cocaine use.  Awesome.  Is this really such a problem that it needs to be stocked by Walgreens?  We’re not talking prescription or court ordered...it’s just there on the shelf next to the Windex.

“Billy, come to the dining room table...mom and I’ve got a test we want you to take.”

You can buy large “Surgical Dressing Pads” here too.  I’ve removed the occasional splinter or two, but I’ve never done something at home that needed surgical dressings.  These things look like they will take care of wounds related to your garden variety knife fight or bungee jumping accident.  Who needs to go to the Emergency Room when you can just pick up your own surgical dressing?  Maybe this is what “Universal Healthcare” means . . . Universally, you can get any thing you need for your health care at Walgreens.

“The next thing I knew, Carl’s arm was layin’ on the ground...good thing a Walgreens was nearby!  We really dodged a bullet by getting those surgical dressings so quickly!”

Ok, here is the biggie!  At Home DNA Paternity Tests!  What?!  I felt like I was on an episode of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” or “Maury Povich”.  I can hear day time talk shows crying at the mass availability of such tests!  Talk about a time for an alarm!  Who’s your daddy?

I can just see someone trying to yank out a lock of their taxi driver’s hair.  “Sorry about that...I’ll keep you updated on the results though....Dad.”  Awkward.

Who knew that just a little trip to the store would reveal so much?  Evidently, I’m capable of naturally stepping on someone when they’re down and I can find out who my dad is, drug test him and repair a massive flesh wound all in one trip.

Thanks Walgreens, for being available for our society’s every freakish need.