The Hawaiian Shirt Fellas

People watching is the best, isn’t it?  Saturday night, my family and I went to a local festival in Des Moines.  We had a blast!  We listened to music, we ate, we saw friends. . . and we saw other stuff too.  We saw people.  I’m often amazed at what people choose to wear. . . in public.  Below is a brief description of what I saw.

I started looking around and found myself recognizing all of these different groups of people.  It wasn’t that I actually knew these people, but I kept recognizing “the same people” everywhere.  These Fashion Forward people had imagination.  They had creativity.  They had . . . style.

I saw the Hawaiian Shirt Fellas.  Who knew that Hawaiian shirts were so popular?  I’ve never seen this many Hawaiian shirts in one place. . . not even in Hawaii.  There was one moment in which I realized that from my little vantage point - I could see 7 guys wearing Hawaiian shirts.  Sure I felt nauseous, but I looked anyway.  There’s certainly nothing wrong with wearing a Hawaiian shirt, but when you’ve got this massive display around you . . . its deafening.  And, just in case you’re wondering. . . No - you can’t hear the ocean when surrounded by 7 Hawaiian shirts.

I saw the Fanny Pack Crew.  These guys and gals came prepared.  I’m not sure what could have been in these bags, but I bet they were prepared for anything.  I also noticed that there are several different ways to wear such an accessory.  Some wore these packs in the front (traditional theme park position), some wore them in the back (this would be your weekend hiker position) and some . . . rocked ‘em to the side.  Those who wore them to the side are rockin’ it new school.  I’m down, people.

Then there was a element that shocked me, it was the Beer Shirt Boys.  I didn’t even know there was such a large market for Beer shirts.  I don’t mean a shirt that promotes a certain brand of beer, just beer.  There were shirts announcing that it was Beer:30 - there were shirts announcing an all out assault on one’s liver.  There was one that said something about beer and a horse.  ??  Everywhere I looked, I saw these shirts.  My conclusion is this:  You may not have to be drunk to buy one of these shirts, but you certainly have to be to wear one.  If I was pushed into a corner . . . I’d go fanny pack before a Beer:30 shirt.  Just sayin’.

Other things were seen.  I saw people wearing extra high heels.  You’d think they’d practice walking in such shoes before breaking them out in such a public setting.  I saw people wearing knit caps, even though it wasn’t cold.  I saw a host of “this t-shirt fit in 1993” guys.  I even saw some people wearing “Lawyer Casual”.  These are guys who were wearing khaki shorts and flip flops while wearing a $200 oxford with the sleeves rolled up.  Do your thing counselor.

But the most memorable fashion forward image of the night was . . . Kilts!  That’s right, Kilts!  Apparently, there is a Scottish element in Des Moines.  There were a couple of guys running sound for a band, “The Faculty Lounge”, that were sportin’ the kilts.  These guys were good and the band was even better.  Way to go guys - It’s better than the fanny pack.

What is funny to me is this:  While I’m looking around at what other people were wearing - someone was probably looking at me and saying, “Really?  What’s that dude thinking?”

Do your thing people. . . and I’ll try to do mine.

JJ

Don't Just Sit There, Drink Something

Yesterday, I needed to drive 2 hours away from home for work and I felt the urge to load up on liquids like I was trekking across the desert on the back of a camel.  

I’m not sure what it is, but every time I travel more than 10 minutes by car, I can’t get enough liquid.  I plan and prepare for my long dry journey with the intensity and purpose of one embarking on an ultra-marathon.  Nothing can be left to chance.  Extras are permissible, but running out mid course would be tragic . . . even deadly.  Perhaps the air in the car is dryer than normal.  Perhaps seeing the scenery pass by in a blur gives my body the impression that I’m running really fast and thus the need to restore fluids...I’m not sure.  When my fluids do run dry, I go into panic mode.  The next exit can’t come quick enough.  About half way home yesterday, I saw a mirage of a giant Diet Mountain Dew bottle on the horizon.  I knew it was too good to be true, but I drove towards it just the same.  I didn’t look at my fuel gauge one time during the trip, but I checked the levels of my Dew about every 12 minutes.  “Check and Check.”

The more I think about it - the more I think its not the driving, but the sitting that triggers my thirst issues.  I don’t remember much about biology class...or chemistry...or whichever one talks about bodily organs - but I don’t believe either discussed any known linkage between sitting and thirst.  Maybe I’m a trend setter - maybe others face this problem quietly and I’m just the first to speak out on this most personal of struggles - or, maybe, I’m just a freak.

So, as I mentioned, the car is not the only place that this thirst happens.  It happens when I sit down.

I can be perfectly hydrated and then sit in front of the television and . . . BAM! . . . I’m thirsty.  The purpose of commercials, it seems, is to provide me with the opportunity to refuel.  If I could find a way to hook up a fire hose through the window in my den, I’d be a happy, hydrated man.  I’d also need to think about some sort of tiled flooring and a plastic covering for my sofa, but those details could come later. 

If I’m just hangin’ around the house or getting things done at work - no need for water, but as soon as I sit down somewhere all of the cells in my body scream for liquid.  You’ve heard the quote, “I think, therefore I am.”  - my version is just a bit different, “I sit, therefore I am...thirsty.”

Movie theater . . . same problem.  It’s as if I would actually wither up and die without a garbage can size of drink by my side.  The drinks at the theater are getting so big, in fact, they are going to need a seat remodel to enlarge the already massive cup holders that are provided.  There is a panic that takes place here at the theater as well.  If you told me that I wouldn’t be able to eat or drink for 2 hours, I’d be ok with that.  For some reason, however, when faced with this 2 hour fast while sitting in front of a movie screen...I must find the largest container in the building in order to satiate my thirst.  

It doesn’t take long before our talk of adding liquid makes us think about the eventual need to empty the liquid.  “Doesn’t this require a movie watching interruption on my part to go use the restroom”, you might ask?  Yes it does...and I am ok with that.  Sure, I’ll crawl across 15 strangers 8 times in 2 hours to use the restroom, but it is better than the alternative...dehydration and death.  Sure, it took me until the fourth time watching E.T. to find out that he actually made it home.  “Jerry Maguire” was ok, but I still haven’t seen the famous scene where someone says, “Show me the money!”  The only thing I remember about that movie was my own quote, “Show me the bathroom!”  But...at least I wasn’t thirsty.  (you’d think I could come up with some movie examples from this decade, but apparently...no)

Look, I’m not a doctor...but I’m pretty sure others face this same phenomenon.  Tell the truth...you are sitting down reading this sentence and you are drinking something right now aren’t you?  Don’t feel bad.  In fact, embrace this biological need.  “Sit, Drink and Be Merry.”

Hope you enjoyed your beverage...and your reading.

JJ

A Human Junk Drawer

When I was 6 years old, I rolled through life with little more than my wonderful little personality.  Sure, there was the occasional football or rock that I’d tote along, but for the most part...life was pretty simple.

By the time I reached college - I would carry my dorm room key (on a string) and my ID.  Life was changing, but it was still pretty simple.

Now, in my 30s, I’m starting down the slippery slope to becoming my own junk drawer.  When I leave the house, I have with me a cell phone, a wallet, keys and a watch.  That’s not bad, but I fear that my age is catching up with me.

I’ve begun to notice that with age - comes stuff.  This stuff is so important that we feel we must have it on our person at all times.  People talk about gaining weight as they grow older...most of this is probably just the addition of the stuff that we carry.  Bad backs and leg pain don’t just happen with age...they are born out of carrying of stuff for years upon years.

My parents visited recently and I saw this phenomenon first hand with my dad.  I asked my dad if he had a pen on him.  I knew the answer before I asked him because he always has a pen on him...usually more than one.  He started fishing around in his pants pockets and started pulling all of this stuff out in an effort to get to the pen(s).  No joke here - he brought the following items out of his pants pockets:  2 Cameras, A Cell Phone, A Wallet, A Handkerchief, A Knife, 2 Pens and $12.73 in change.  

Ok.  I didn’t actually count the change, but it was more than I’d had in my pockets over the past 6 years combined.  

What?!  How is that possible?  A human junk drawer.  2 cameras?!  Come on!  I’m not convinced that this was everything either...there could have been more, but I was afraid to ask.  What if I had asked for a skill saw?  What if I’d had needed a ladder?  Where would this have ended...or would it have?

I just took a quick glance around in my closet and . . . nope . . . there is not one pair of pants in there that could handle 2 cameras.  I don’t own a pair of pants that could handle $12 in change.  Are my pants going to change that much from now ‘til when I turn 65?  Is there some sort of special “Grandpa” Pants Store that I’m unaware of?  “You’ll like how much stuff you can carry...I guarantee it!”  

This is beginning to make sense though.  I’ve always seen old guys sitting on benches in malls.  I had always assumed that they were just bored of being at the mall...Wrong!  It turns out that they are just exhausted from all of the stuff they’ve been totin’ around.  I’d take some walk breaks too, if I was toting around all of that stuff. 

Women are the same way.  The older a lady gets, the bigger the purse...the more stuff.  My grandmother used to pull tomotoes and a full silverware set out of her purse - and this was just in preparation to eat at McDonald’s!  Imagine what else she had in there!  I once saw a lady pull a framed 8X10 picture of her grandbaby out of her purse.  The picture was actually larger than her granddaughter!

People, people, people...let’s get a grip.  Home is where the heart is...and it should be where you keep most of your stuff too.  Shouldn’t we at least agree that you should limit the number of cameras you carry to one...unless you work for Sports Illustrated?  Shouldn’t we cap how much change you carry to $4 or less...Unless you work in an arcade or at a nickel casino?

Look, I’m not sure what it is about age and stuff, but this is certainly true.  Test it out for yourself.  Find your nearest elder and ask to borrow something...anything...they have it.  

Have a great day, and take some walk breaks today if you need ‘em.  Hope you have enjoyed reading.

JJ

Hot Sauce

I was standing at the counter at Tasty Taco, a local taco joint in Des Moines.  A lady was called up to pick up her food and she told the Tasty Taco employee that she would be needing some “Really Hot, Hot Sauce”.  She was pretty confident that the normal “hot sauce” that is passed out to the thousands who walk through the doors each day just wouldn’t cut it.  She was special.  She was going to need the military grade hot sauce.  She seemed to take pride in her insistence that she’d need special sauce.

I get that some people just honestly like hot food, but what is it about “hot” stuff that make people brag to a great extent about their ability to eat something “hotter” than normal.  People who love to eat hot things seem to love to brag about how they can handle anything.  They also love to point out what is not “hot” to them.

“You think that’s hot??!  Come on!  I’ve eaten MUCH hotter!”  

“Do you have any hot sauce that I can put on this hot sauce?”

“Is there any way that you could actually set this food on fire once I put it in my mouth?”

The reverse of this spicy argument isn’t the same.  No one ever brags about their ability to eat bland foods.  No one ever says, “You think this is bland?  No way, I’ve had much more bland foods before.” Other types of foods don’t draw the same type of pride.  No one ever brags about tolerating more salt or butter than the next person.  Cinnamon generally never make it into this discussion.

People do like to talk about their relationship with food, don’t they?  I can’t go week without hearing someone say something about what they can or can’t “tolerate”.  Below are a few thoughts related to our relationship with food...

Top Ten Food Comments That You’d Rather Not Hear:

10.  “I can’t have caffeine after 9am or I’ll be awake all night!”  

  9.  “Oh, No.  I’ll pass on the cheese...it really messes with my system.”

  8.  “This sandwich needs more Mayo...It can’t get enough mayo...I eat it on everything!”

  7.  “If I have one bite of bread, my toes will start to itch.”

  6.  “Really?  You can only eat 6 donuts?  I can put down a full baker’s dozen!”

  5.  “If I eat seeds of any kind, I’ll be out of commission for a week!”

  4.  “I could drink acid, before I would dare eat any type of lettuce!”

  3.  “A lot of people can’t handle beans, but I eat ‘em all day long and I’m just fine.”

  2.  “Oh, I can’t have carbs...I’ll blow up like a parade balloon.”

and the Number One Food Comment That You’d Rather Not Hear is...

“I’ll pass on the ice cream...I’d rather not spend my whole weekend in the bathroom!”

Thanks for reading.  Hope you have a great week without any food episodes.

JJ

-By the way, "Tasty Taco" is the best around.  If you are near Des Moines, Its worth the trip.