Shrimp

Recently, while on vacation in South Carolina, my wife and I were on a date at a Seafood restaurant.  We were enjoying the idea of there not being macaroni and cheese or corn dogs anywhere on the menu.  Simply put, we were ready to have a sophisticated dinner together while enjoying some local fare.  

I ordered local shrimp.  Side note, I’m not sure how the restaurant knew that these shrimp were local.  They could have been just passing through or visiting family, like me.  It didn’t necessarily taste like local shrimp, but I could be wrong.  Anyway, the shrimp comes to the table and, to my surprise, it was peel and eat shrimp.  If you’re not familiar, this is shrimp that has been prepared without taking the shell off...that has now become my job.  This is where the problem lies for me.  

I don’t mind doing work in order to eat, but it seems that if I’m going to go to a restaurant...most of that work should already be done for me.  If I need to prepare a meal from beginning to end, that isn’t a problem.  I’m just not sure that I should have to do this much work while sitting in a restaurant.

First of all, I was delivered a full pound of shrimp.  A full pound!  I don’t eat a full pound of anything...except perhaps peanut m&ms...but that’s a different thing.  It’s not like I could just pop these shrimp into my mouth and enjoy...I had to do work first.  I had to grab each shrimp and peel the shell off before I could eat it.  One would not have been such a problem, but a pound was going to take forever.  I don’t know how much goes into boiling the shrimp, but I’m pretty sure that I did more work at my table than the chef did in preparing what was brought to me.  My server brought me several napkins and a wipe and said, “You might need these.” ...Oh really, you think?  I don’t think I’d be more messy if I had caught the shrimp myself.

So much for a dinner without kids.  I was messier than our daughter has ever been.  So much for conversation.  My dinner needed all of my attention - I had a job to do, I was working.

I discovered something about myself and about food during this dinner.  I’ll work to eat...if I’m at home or in the jungle, but I don’t want to have to do so at a restaurant.  Seriously, why should I have to work so hard to eat a “prepared” meal?  

It also dawned on me that it is only seafood restaurants that ask this much of their patrons.  Never have I ordered a pizza and been asked to “add the pepperoni” once it came to the table.  I’ve been to a fondu restaurant and I had to dip the food into the sauces myself, but I didn’t have to cut all of the food up at my table.

Other food brings similar disdain from me as well.

Unshelled peanuts came to mind.  I don’t need ‘em.  Lots of work with little to eat after the work has been done.  Give ‘em to me already peeled and preferably with chocolate around them.

Sunflower seeds?  No.  If I want a jar full of salt I can get that easier by just eating salt...why do I need to work for hours for a tiny little seed.

Crawfish?  Lobster, Crab, etc.?  Awesome, as long as it has already been shelled...otherwise, see shrimp above.

So...am I a snob?  No.  No, I am not.  I’m just a guy trying to get his grub on without having to break a sweat at the table.

What’s the moral of this story?  Well, there’s not one.  

Actually...there is, but I want you to finish it.  Sure, you are not here to work, but why don’t you anyway?  Why don’t you just go ahead and finish doing my job.  I’ll start preparing a blog post and . . . you can just finish it.  Here goes - 

The moral of this story is _______________________________________________.

Now...aren’t you glad you don’t have to leave me a tip?

Hope you’ve enjoyed reading.  Have a great day.

JJ

I'm Not Asleep...Again

Hey friends,

I'm on vacation.  I plan on telling you more about it later, but not now.  Hope you enjoy this post from January 2011.  I would post a new one today, but...I'm not a machine people!

JJ

 

You are asleep . . . the phone rings . . . you answer it . . . and in a groggy, barritone voice - 2 octaves lower than your normal voice . . . you lie.

“Hello?  What?  No!  I’m not asleep, um, I mean, I wasn’t asleep.  I was . . . I was . . . doing laundry.”

Why do we lie?  Whether its 3 in the morning or 3 in the afternoon, we lie.  Why?     Its not like sleep is some demonstration of weakness.

Everybody sleeps.

“You hear about Bob?  He sleeps . . . almost every night.”  

“Yeah, I never did trust that guy”

It’s odd because we don’t lie about other “normal” activities in our life.

If we bump into a friend as we are leaving a restaurant and they say, “How was dinner?”    We don’t say, “Dinner?  What do you mean, dinner?  I wasn’t eating.  I’m . . . I’m doing research.  I’m in the market for some new carpet and I heard that this restaurant had a nice high traffic berber.”

Everybody eats.

Or, if we run into a friend on the way to work and he asks, “Where you headed?”  We don’t say, “Well . . . not to work!  I don’t know what you’re driving at, but I’m on my way to the racetrack!  The ponies won’t bet on themselves.”

Everybody works . . . well, you know.

Why do we lie about sleep?  What is it about sleep that brings out our inner story teller.  Its not like we ever fool anybody.  Have you ever actually believed that lie when you were on the other end of the line?

First of all, you don’t make sense when you are coming out of your slumber.  The person starts talking about people that you hadn’t brought up in the conversation.  No thought actually connects with another thought.  Its just bits and peices strung together.  Its like having a conversation with Robin Williams, but without the punchlines.

You never hang up and say, “I really belive she wasn’t alseep...and...she seems really smart.

You’ve never bought that.

Secondly, your voice betrays you.  I’m asleep 20 minutes and I sound like I could sing bass for the Oakridge Boys.  If I could bottle that voice, I could be the next Barry White.  That’s not me.  In the light of day, I’m closer to Betty White than Barry.  Yet, I’m still hoping that the person on the other end will believe that this is my normal “phone voice.”

Come On!

Why do we even answer?  Just let it ring.  Or, if we do answer . . . why not just say, “Yeah.  I was asleep.  In fact, I’m still a little out of it.  Given any luck, I’ll be back asleep as soon as we hang up.”  

But we don’t.   And we won’t.

I will try, however, to be a little more honest in my communications.  Starting now.

Well, here goes.  

I’m asleep right now.  

Look, its not your fault.  How are you supposed to know . . . you can’t hear my voice and to be fair . . . I always fail to make sense like this.  If it makes any difference - I wasn’t asleep the whole time.  I dozed somewhere around the 3rd paragraph. 

Thanks for calling.

JJ

New Orleans

I was speaking the other day to a man who found out that I used to live in New Orleans.  This man had visited New Orleans on several occasions and for the next 10 minutes he led me on a tour of the most uninteresting conversation ever had about any city...in the world.

Below is our amazing conversation:

Man:  Where did you live before moving to Des Moines?

Me:  We’ve lived here 12 years, but lived in New Orleans for 3 years prior to that.

Man:  Oh, New Orleans?  I went to New Orleans a few times when I was in the service.

Me:  Oh, ok.

Man:  New Orleans is a great city.

Me:  Yeah, we loved it.

Man:  Cafe’ Du Monde.  (This is said as a simple statement...just a statement...no     question or further comment is made...this is followed by silence)

Me:  (I’m confused)  Yeah, Cafe’ Du Monde is great.  We loved going there and just people watching.

Man:  How about that Lake....Lake um...what’s that lake?

Me:  Lake Pontchartrain.  We lived pretty close to Lake Pontchartrain.

Man:  Isn’t there a bridge that sits on the water over the lake?

Me:  Uhm...Not actually on the water...but there is a bridge that goes over the water...from one side to the other.  It’s a pretty big lake - you can’t see across from one side to the other.

Man:  That is pretty cool!  How about that French Quarter!??  Man!!  ...Bourbon Street??  (this is said with a raise of the eyebrows...I’m creeped out a bit)

Me:  Yeah, the French Quarter is pretty interesting...

Man:  They got a lot of Jazz down there, huh?

Me:  Yep.  Lots of Jazz.  

Man:  Pretty hot down there...

Me:  Yep.

Man:  They’ve got good food.  I can’t do that crawfish though...or gumbo...or jambalaya, but other than that...

Me:  Oh, sure...other than that.
(I’m pretty sure I blacked out at this point.  I don’t remember much after this.)

You’ve had this conversation before too, right?  Sometimes we find ourselves trapped in a conversation that just isn’t going to go anywhere.  I found myself screaming on the inside, for it to stop.  I was hoping for some type of natural disaster to break up the monotony.  I wondered about the possibility of a sudden heart attack...for either of us.  But, alas...help didn’t come.

Chris Farley used to do a skit on “Saturday Night Live” where he interviewed celebrities.  The entirety of the skit was him basically saying to the celebrity, “Remember that time when ___________...’member when you said ________?”  That’s how I felt during this conversation.  This guy just kept saying facts and statements about a city.  Other than just inventing stories for fun...all I could say was...”yep, the Mississippi River is in New Orleans.”  

Riveting conversation.

I hope you found this blog riveting as well. 

Remember when he said “other than that”?  

JJ

On a side note...New Orleans is a great city.  Go there any time that you have the opportunity - you’ll love it...they’ve got jazz.

Don't Just Sit There, Drink Something

Yesterday, I needed to drive 2 hours away from home for work and I felt the urge to load up on liquids like I was trekking across the desert on the back of a camel.  

I’m not sure what it is, but every time I travel more than 10 minutes by car, I can’t get enough liquid.  I plan and prepare for my long dry journey with the intensity and purpose of one embarking on an ultra-marathon.  Nothing can be left to chance.  Extras are permissible, but running out mid course would be tragic . . . even deadly.  Perhaps the air in the car is dryer than normal.  Perhaps seeing the scenery pass by in a blur gives my body the impression that I’m running really fast and thus the need to restore fluids...I’m not sure.  When my fluids do run dry, I go into panic mode.  The next exit can’t come quick enough.  About half way home yesterday, I saw a mirage of a giant Diet Mountain Dew bottle on the horizon.  I knew it was too good to be true, but I drove towards it just the same.  I didn’t look at my fuel gauge one time during the trip, but I checked the levels of my Dew about every 12 minutes.  “Check and Check.”

The more I think about it - the more I think its not the driving, but the sitting that triggers my thirst issues.  I don’t remember much about biology class...or chemistry...or whichever one talks about bodily organs - but I don’t believe either discussed any known linkage between sitting and thirst.  Maybe I’m a trend setter - maybe others face this problem quietly and I’m just the first to speak out on this most personal of struggles - or, maybe, I’m just a freak.

So, as I mentioned, the car is not the only place that this thirst happens.  It happens when I sit down.

I can be perfectly hydrated and then sit in front of the television and . . . BAM! . . . I’m thirsty.  The purpose of commercials, it seems, is to provide me with the opportunity to refuel.  If I could find a way to hook up a fire hose through the window in my den, I’d be a happy, hydrated man.  I’d also need to think about some sort of tiled flooring and a plastic covering for my sofa, but those details could come later. 

If I’m just hangin’ around the house or getting things done at work - no need for water, but as soon as I sit down somewhere all of the cells in my body scream for liquid.  You’ve heard the quote, “I think, therefore I am.”  - my version is just a bit different, “I sit, therefore I am...thirsty.”

Movie theater . . . same problem.  It’s as if I would actually wither up and die without a garbage can size of drink by my side.  The drinks at the theater are getting so big, in fact, they are going to need a seat remodel to enlarge the already massive cup holders that are provided.  There is a panic that takes place here at the theater as well.  If you told me that I wouldn’t be able to eat or drink for 2 hours, I’d be ok with that.  For some reason, however, when faced with this 2 hour fast while sitting in front of a movie screen...I must find the largest container in the building in order to satiate my thirst.  

It doesn’t take long before our talk of adding liquid makes us think about the eventual need to empty the liquid.  “Doesn’t this require a movie watching interruption on my part to go use the restroom”, you might ask?  Yes it does...and I am ok with that.  Sure, I’ll crawl across 15 strangers 8 times in 2 hours to use the restroom, but it is better than the alternative...dehydration and death.  Sure, it took me until the fourth time watching E.T. to find out that he actually made it home.  “Jerry Maguire” was ok, but I still haven’t seen the famous scene where someone says, “Show me the money!”  The only thing I remember about that movie was my own quote, “Show me the bathroom!”  But...at least I wasn’t thirsty.  (you’d think I could come up with some movie examples from this decade, but apparently...no)

Look, I’m not a doctor...but I’m pretty sure others face this same phenomenon.  Tell the truth...you are sitting down reading this sentence and you are drinking something right now aren’t you?  Don’t feel bad.  In fact, embrace this biological need.  “Sit, Drink and Be Merry.”

Hope you enjoyed your beverage...and your reading.

JJ

A Human Junk Drawer

When I was 6 years old, I rolled through life with little more than my wonderful little personality.  Sure, there was the occasional football or rock that I’d tote along, but for the most part...life was pretty simple.

By the time I reached college - I would carry my dorm room key (on a string) and my ID.  Life was changing, but it was still pretty simple.

Now, in my 30s, I’m starting down the slippery slope to becoming my own junk drawer.  When I leave the house, I have with me a cell phone, a wallet, keys and a watch.  That’s not bad, but I fear that my age is catching up with me.

I’ve begun to notice that with age - comes stuff.  This stuff is so important that we feel we must have it on our person at all times.  People talk about gaining weight as they grow older...most of this is probably just the addition of the stuff that we carry.  Bad backs and leg pain don’t just happen with age...they are born out of carrying of stuff for years upon years.

My parents visited recently and I saw this phenomenon first hand with my dad.  I asked my dad if he had a pen on him.  I knew the answer before I asked him because he always has a pen on him...usually more than one.  He started fishing around in his pants pockets and started pulling all of this stuff out in an effort to get to the pen(s).  No joke here - he brought the following items out of his pants pockets:  2 Cameras, A Cell Phone, A Wallet, A Handkerchief, A Knife, 2 Pens and $12.73 in change.  

Ok.  I didn’t actually count the change, but it was more than I’d had in my pockets over the past 6 years combined.  

What?!  How is that possible?  A human junk drawer.  2 cameras?!  Come on!  I’m not convinced that this was everything either...there could have been more, but I was afraid to ask.  What if I had asked for a skill saw?  What if I’d had needed a ladder?  Where would this have ended...or would it have?

I just took a quick glance around in my closet and . . . nope . . . there is not one pair of pants in there that could handle 2 cameras.  I don’t own a pair of pants that could handle $12 in change.  Are my pants going to change that much from now ‘til when I turn 65?  Is there some sort of special “Grandpa” Pants Store that I’m unaware of?  “You’ll like how much stuff you can carry...I guarantee it!”  

This is beginning to make sense though.  I’ve always seen old guys sitting on benches in malls.  I had always assumed that they were just bored of being at the mall...Wrong!  It turns out that they are just exhausted from all of the stuff they’ve been totin’ around.  I’d take some walk breaks too, if I was toting around all of that stuff. 

Women are the same way.  The older a lady gets, the bigger the purse...the more stuff.  My grandmother used to pull tomotoes and a full silverware set out of her purse - and this was just in preparation to eat at McDonald’s!  Imagine what else she had in there!  I once saw a lady pull a framed 8X10 picture of her grandbaby out of her purse.  The picture was actually larger than her granddaughter!

People, people, people...let’s get a grip.  Home is where the heart is...and it should be where you keep most of your stuff too.  Shouldn’t we at least agree that you should limit the number of cameras you carry to one...unless you work for Sports Illustrated?  Shouldn’t we cap how much change you carry to $4 or less...Unless you work in an arcade or at a nickel casino?

Look, I’m not sure what it is about age and stuff, but this is certainly true.  Test it out for yourself.  Find your nearest elder and ask to borrow something...anything...they have it.  

Have a great day, and take some walk breaks today if you need ‘em.  Hope you have enjoyed reading.

JJ

M&M's and Broccoli

Recently, I had the good fortune of being in the same room as a chocolate fountain.  That’s right - silky smooth chocolate cascading down, what seemed like, a 30 foot silver alter.  

I dipped strawberries, bananas and other goodies into the chocolate.  My friends and I joked that at least we were eating fruit along with the chocolate.  It’s not like we were just eating chocolate!  Let’s be honest though, its not like we were just eating fruit either!

This got me thinking about my eating habits.  I like to run and work out.  I try to stay in shape and making healthy food choices is part of that.  I’m afraid though, that I’ve put my finger on a weak area in my eating habits.  Similar to the fruit and chocolate - I often find ways to mix healthy choices with unhealthy ones.

Broccoli is obviously a great choice.  It seems that everytime I eat broccoli, however, I add a pound of cheese to go with it.  I’m not a Nutritionist, but I don’t think I’m taking full advantage of the benefits of broccoli when its saturated in processed cheese.  Raw broccoli is supposed to be great for you, but come on...that's just nasty.

A nice healthy salad is something that no one could argue with, right?  Well, many could argue with the way that I consume this healthy staple.  Its the dressing...and the cheese...and the bacon...croutons...and don’t forget the eggs and fried chicken.  By the time I am finished - I’ve basically got a lot of junk and 3 pieces of lettuce.  Another fail.

Unfortunately, this trend doesn’t happen in reverse for me.  I’m never eating m&m’s and think, “This could really use some fruit.”  Smelling bacon being cooked doesn’t make me long for spinach...or an apple.  I have never, I repeat - Never, have I been eating a candy bar and then reached for cauliflower and asparagus to go with it.  If I start out with a healthy choice, I've got a decent chance of finishing well.  If I start with a bad choice...there exists no opportunity of redemption.  It seems that healthy foods are the last thing on my mind when I'm knee deep in an M&M's bag.

If I’m eating carrotts and they just taste a bit “off”, I stop eating.  Why would I continue?  If I’m eating cookies and they just taste a bit “off”, I keep eating.  Why would I waste a cookie.  When I finish the cookie I may say, “That cookie wasn’t very good!”  At least I gave it a shot though, right?

Well, you can see where my eating plan takes a hit.  

Back to that chocolate fountain...do you know what would absolutely be the best thing to dip into the chocolate?  A chocolate candy bar.  (And not a “fun size” bar either...see previous blog post)  Chocolate on chocolate...doesn’t get any better.

Here’s to chocolate.  Here’s to holding to a great eating plan.  And here’s to hoping that you enjoyed reading.

JJ

Hot Sauce

I was standing at the counter at Tasty Taco, a local taco joint in Des Moines.  A lady was called up to pick up her food and she told the Tasty Taco employee that she would be needing some “Really Hot, Hot Sauce”.  She was pretty confident that the normal “hot sauce” that is passed out to the thousands who walk through the doors each day just wouldn’t cut it.  She was special.  She was going to need the military grade hot sauce.  She seemed to take pride in her insistence that she’d need special sauce.

I get that some people just honestly like hot food, but what is it about “hot” stuff that make people brag to a great extent about their ability to eat something “hotter” than normal.  People who love to eat hot things seem to love to brag about how they can handle anything.  They also love to point out what is not “hot” to them.

“You think that’s hot??!  Come on!  I’ve eaten MUCH hotter!”  

“Do you have any hot sauce that I can put on this hot sauce?”

“Is there any way that you could actually set this food on fire once I put it in my mouth?”

The reverse of this spicy argument isn’t the same.  No one ever brags about their ability to eat bland foods.  No one ever says, “You think this is bland?  No way, I’ve had much more bland foods before.” Other types of foods don’t draw the same type of pride.  No one ever brags about tolerating more salt or butter than the next person.  Cinnamon generally never make it into this discussion.

People do like to talk about their relationship with food, don’t they?  I can’t go week without hearing someone say something about what they can or can’t “tolerate”.  Below are a few thoughts related to our relationship with food...

Top Ten Food Comments That You’d Rather Not Hear:

10.  “I can’t have caffeine after 9am or I’ll be awake all night!”  

  9.  “Oh, No.  I’ll pass on the cheese...it really messes with my system.”

  8.  “This sandwich needs more Mayo...It can’t get enough mayo...I eat it on everything!”

  7.  “If I have one bite of bread, my toes will start to itch.”

  6.  “Really?  You can only eat 6 donuts?  I can put down a full baker’s dozen!”

  5.  “If I eat seeds of any kind, I’ll be out of commission for a week!”

  4.  “I could drink acid, before I would dare eat any type of lettuce!”

  3.  “A lot of people can’t handle beans, but I eat ‘em all day long and I’m just fine.”

  2.  “Oh, I can’t have carbs...I’ll blow up like a parade balloon.”

and the Number One Food Comment That You’d Rather Not Hear is...

“I’ll pass on the ice cream...I’d rather not spend my whole weekend in the bathroom!”

Thanks for reading.  Hope you have a great week without any food episodes.

JJ

-By the way, "Tasty Taco" is the best around.  If you are near Des Moines, Its worth the trip.