I'm not asleep

You are asleep . . . the phone rings . . . you answer it . . . and in a groggy, barritone voice - 2 octaves lower than your normal voice . . . you lie.

“Hello?  What?  No!  I’m not asleep, um, I mean, I wasn’t asleep.  I was . . . I was . . . doing laundry.”

Why do we lie?  Whether its 3 in the morning or 3 in the afternoon, we lie.  Why?     Its not like sleep is some demonstration of weakness.

Everybody sleeps.

“You hear about Bob?  He sleeps . . . almost every night.”  

“Yeah, I never did trust that guy”

It’s odd because we don’t lie about other “normal” activities in our life.

If we bump into a friend as we are leaving a restaurant and they say, “How was dinner?”    We don’t say, “Dinner?  What do you mean, dinner?  I wasn’t eating.  I’m . . . I’m doing research.  I’m in the market for some new carpet and I heard that this restaurant had a nice high traffic berber.”

Everybody eats.

Or, if we run into a friend on the way to work and he asks, “Where you headed?”  We don’t say, “Well . . . not to work!  I don’t know what you’re driving at, but I’m on my way to the racetrack!  The ponies won’t bet on themselves.”

Everybody works . . . well, you know.

Why do we lie about sleep?  What is it about sleep that brings out our inner story teller.  Its not like we ever fool anybody.  Have you ever actually believed that lie when you were on the other end of the line?

First of all, you don’t make sense when you are coming out of your slumber.  The person starts talking about people that you hadn’t brought up in the conversation.  No thought actually connects with another thought.  Its just bits and peices strung together.  Its like having a conversation with Robin Williams, but without the punchlines.

You never hang up and say, “I really belive she wasn’t alseep...and...she seems really smart.

You’ve never bought that.

Secondly, your voice betrays you.  I’m asleep 20 minutes and I sound like I could sing bass for the Oakridge Boys.  If I could bottle that voice, I could be the next Barry White.  That’s not me.  In the light of day, I’m closer to Betty White than Barry.  Yet, I’m still hoping that the person on the other end will believe that this is my normal “phone voice.”

Come On!

Why do we even answer?  Just let it ring.  Or, if we do answer . . . why not just say, “Yeah.  I was asleep.  In fact, I’m still a little out of it.  Given any luck, I’ll be back asleep as soon as we hang up.”  

But we don’t.   And we won’t.

I will try, however, to be a little more honest in my communications.  Starting now.

Well, here goes.  

I’m asleep right now.  

Look, its not your fault.  How are you supposed to know . . . you can’t hear my voice and to be fair . . . I always fail to make sense like this.  If it makes any difference - I wasn’t asleep the whole time.  I dozed somewhere around the 3rd paragraph. 

Thanks for calling.

Procrastination

          . . .    I'll post later   . . .

JJ

"Fun Size" Candy Bars

"Fun Size" Candy Bars

I recently had a "fun size" snickers bar.  You know what I'm talking about - its a candy bar that's not quite ripe.  Its a small version of the real thing.

I'm a bit intrigued by the title given these mini bars.

I don't yet understand why they would be called "fun size".  In reality, they are not even "adequate size" candy bars.  You almost always need 2 or 3 even to be adequate.  Why "fun"?

The candy maker certainly wouldn't want to call them "small size" because then the fear would be that we'd think the bars were too expensive given their "small size".  I suppose the candy maker couldn't just ignore the size altogether and not give them a name...that would just be weird.  "Why are these bars so small?", we'd ask.  The name at least gives us an indication that something purposeful is being done.  But what?

Which brings us back to . . . "Fun size".  Why "fun"?  What about a tiny, 3/16 of a candy bar is fun?  

Is it because I can fit it into my pocket and enjoy it on the go?  No.  I'm too forgetful.  What isn't "fun" are the mounting bills from my Dry Cleaner.  Chocolate can be stubborn.

Is it fun because it contains less calories than a regular size candy bar?  No.  Nothing about reduced calories is "fun".  "Fun" doesn't count calories.  Maybe they could be called "Less Fun Size".  I think that would paint a picture.

What would be fun would be a gigantic 3lb candy bar.  That's fun.

Or how about a free candy bar . . . of any size?  That's fun too.

Maybe we could just call them Halloween Candy Bars.  You know, its the size of bar that you don't mind handing out to strangers at your front door once a year.  Its not like your giving away actual candy bars.  It's "fun".

Perhaps we could call them Easter Candy Bars.  The size of bar you don't mind losing in a field.  Its the size of bar that could actually be lost in a field.  Maybe they are easier for the Easter Bunny to carry??

You see my dilemma.

In the end . . . I still can't see why it is so "fun', but . . . I'm making a research commitment today.  I'm gonna keep eating them and with every bite, I'll seek to understand just what makes them so "fun".

What?  

Can't I disagree with the verbiage and still recognize its tasty goodness?  Did you expect me to stand on some sort of moral high ground over a little name dispute and NOT eat the candy?  Come On!  

Small or Large . . . "Fun" or Tiny . . . its still a candy bar.  No matter what you call it.

I'll just call it good.

JJ

My First Blog

So, this is my first blog.

You'd think I'd need some sort of license or something.  Maybe at the very least - a state issued typing test, but...no.  All I needed was access to a computer and to the internet and all of a sudden...I'm bloggin'.  I almost feel a sense of pride sitting here at my computer.

Could this be how reporters feel?  A reporter feeling the pressure of a deadline and a huge story on the line.

Perhaps this is how authors feel in front of their technology of choice...Or maybe not.

I could almost feel pride, but then I remember - This is a free blog that will not yield any income nor is it that have I earned my place in front of this screen.  I'm just a guy in his dining room.

I might as well be typing on my "pretend" computer.  If this were my "pretend" computer...it'd be nicer.  It would probably have a huge screen and it would be super fast of course.  I'd also have something to drink right now - I'm kind of thirsty.

But its not pretend.  One thing is true, however, at this point I don't actually have an audience.

In fact, no one has even read this yet.

The only reason that I am doing a blog now is because my sister asked me to.  So at least she should read it.  I think I'll give here a quiz later.  Maybe weekly.

Maybe she's "pretend" too.

So, this was my first blog.  I'll probably type something on here occasionally.  I might even plan out what I'll say next time.  But even if I don't...it's not like anyone will read this.

JJ