The Hawaiian Shirt Fellas

People watching is the best, isn’t it?  Saturday night, my family and I went to a local festival in Des Moines.  We had a blast!  We listened to music, we ate, we saw friends. . . and we saw other stuff too.  We saw people.  I’m often amazed at what people choose to wear. . . in public.  Below is a brief description of what I saw.

I started looking around and found myself recognizing all of these different groups of people.  It wasn’t that I actually knew these people, but I kept recognizing “the same people” everywhere.  These Fashion Forward people had imagination.  They had creativity.  They had . . . style.

I saw the Hawaiian Shirt Fellas.  Who knew that Hawaiian shirts were so popular?  I’ve never seen this many Hawaiian shirts in one place. . . not even in Hawaii.  There was one moment in which I realized that from my little vantage point - I could see 7 guys wearing Hawaiian shirts.  Sure I felt nauseous, but I looked anyway.  There’s certainly nothing wrong with wearing a Hawaiian shirt, but when you’ve got this massive display around you . . . its deafening.  And, just in case you’re wondering. . . No - you can’t hear the ocean when surrounded by 7 Hawaiian shirts.

I saw the Fanny Pack Crew.  These guys and gals came prepared.  I’m not sure what could have been in these bags, but I bet they were prepared for anything.  I also noticed that there are several different ways to wear such an accessory.  Some wore these packs in the front (traditional theme park position), some wore them in the back (this would be your weekend hiker position) and some . . . rocked ‘em to the side.  Those who wore them to the side are rockin’ it new school.  I’m down, people.

Then there was a element that shocked me, it was the Beer Shirt Boys.  I didn’t even know there was such a large market for Beer shirts.  I don’t mean a shirt that promotes a certain brand of beer, just beer.  There were shirts announcing that it was Beer:30 - there were shirts announcing an all out assault on one’s liver.  There was one that said something about beer and a horse.  ??  Everywhere I looked, I saw these shirts.  My conclusion is this:  You may not have to be drunk to buy one of these shirts, but you certainly have to be to wear one.  If I was pushed into a corner . . . I’d go fanny pack before a Beer:30 shirt.  Just sayin’.

Other things were seen.  I saw people wearing extra high heels.  You’d think they’d practice walking in such shoes before breaking them out in such a public setting.  I saw people wearing knit caps, even though it wasn’t cold.  I saw a host of “this t-shirt fit in 1993” guys.  I even saw some people wearing “Lawyer Casual”.  These are guys who were wearing khaki shorts and flip flops while wearing a $200 oxford with the sleeves rolled up.  Do your thing counselor.

But the most memorable fashion forward image of the night was . . . Kilts!  That’s right, Kilts!  Apparently, there is a Scottish element in Des Moines.  There were a couple of guys running sound for a band, “The Faculty Lounge”, that were sportin’ the kilts.  These guys were good and the band was even better.  Way to go guys - It’s better than the fanny pack.

What is funny to me is this:  While I’m looking around at what other people were wearing - someone was probably looking at me and saying, “Really?  What’s that dude thinking?”

Do your thing people. . . and I’ll try to do mine.

JJ

You Can Quote Me On That

Don’t you love a good quote?  You’ve been there, and I have too. . . you’re in a conversation and someone throws out a cool quote at just the right moment.  The problem for me is learning the right quotes. . . quotes that others revere.  What if you just made up your own quotes?  What if you could just bring your own wisdom to the table?  Or my wisdom?  Even better, what if it were nonsense disguised as wisdom?

The following are my made up quotes.  Feel free to quote me...see for yourself how the addition of one of these quotes in your conversations will elevate your status within the community.  Some of these actually mean nothing at all, but it makes you sound like your saying something of utmost importance.

Jon’s Top Ten Quotable Quotes...

10.  Living life solely on the edge leaves the vastness of the world unregarded.

  9.  Always do your best . . . even when its obvious that it won’t be enough.

  8.  The last great American novel was written and still has yet to be written.

  7.  The more I listen, the more I hear - but the more I talk, the less I say.

  6.  The openness of the outdoors is tempered only by your fear and                                         lack of creativity.

  5.  The Llama that sings most beautifully in the desert has no concern for it’s tone.

  4.  Life is too short to read meaningless blogs.

  3.  Living a life without walls is indeed admirable, but somewhat shortsighted                   when it comes to situations requiring privacy.

  2.  I’ve found that travel is the best way to see the world.

And Jon’s Number One Most Quotable Quotes is . . .

Success in life is raising yourself above the dull noise of mediocrity...which is usually accomplished by using some sort of pulley system.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading.  Mostly, I hope you actually have the nerve to use one of these quotes in conversation.  Try it.  You’ll get used to the blank stares and whispers behind your back . . . I have.

Have a good day.

JJ

Shrimp

Recently, while on vacation in South Carolina, my wife and I were on a date at a Seafood restaurant.  We were enjoying the idea of there not being macaroni and cheese or corn dogs anywhere on the menu.  Simply put, we were ready to have a sophisticated dinner together while enjoying some local fare.  

I ordered local shrimp.  Side note, I’m not sure how the restaurant knew that these shrimp were local.  They could have been just passing through or visiting family, like me.  It didn’t necessarily taste like local shrimp, but I could be wrong.  Anyway, the shrimp comes to the table and, to my surprise, it was peel and eat shrimp.  If you’re not familiar, this is shrimp that has been prepared without taking the shell off...that has now become my job.  This is where the problem lies for me.  

I don’t mind doing work in order to eat, but it seems that if I’m going to go to a restaurant...most of that work should already be done for me.  If I need to prepare a meal from beginning to end, that isn’t a problem.  I’m just not sure that I should have to do this much work while sitting in a restaurant.

First of all, I was delivered a full pound of shrimp.  A full pound!  I don’t eat a full pound of anything...except perhaps peanut m&ms...but that’s a different thing.  It’s not like I could just pop these shrimp into my mouth and enjoy...I had to do work first.  I had to grab each shrimp and peel the shell off before I could eat it.  One would not have been such a problem, but a pound was going to take forever.  I don’t know how much goes into boiling the shrimp, but I’m pretty sure that I did more work at my table than the chef did in preparing what was brought to me.  My server brought me several napkins and a wipe and said, “You might need these.” ...Oh really, you think?  I don’t think I’d be more messy if I had caught the shrimp myself.

So much for a dinner without kids.  I was messier than our daughter has ever been.  So much for conversation.  My dinner needed all of my attention - I had a job to do, I was working.

I discovered something about myself and about food during this dinner.  I’ll work to eat...if I’m at home or in the jungle, but I don’t want to have to do so at a restaurant.  Seriously, why should I have to work so hard to eat a “prepared” meal?  

It also dawned on me that it is only seafood restaurants that ask this much of their patrons.  Never have I ordered a pizza and been asked to “add the pepperoni” once it came to the table.  I’ve been to a fondu restaurant and I had to dip the food into the sauces myself, but I didn’t have to cut all of the food up at my table.

Other food brings similar disdain from me as well.

Unshelled peanuts came to mind.  I don’t need ‘em.  Lots of work with little to eat after the work has been done.  Give ‘em to me already peeled and preferably with chocolate around them.

Sunflower seeds?  No.  If I want a jar full of salt I can get that easier by just eating salt...why do I need to work for hours for a tiny little seed.

Crawfish?  Lobster, Crab, etc.?  Awesome, as long as it has already been shelled...otherwise, see shrimp above.

So...am I a snob?  No.  No, I am not.  I’m just a guy trying to get his grub on without having to break a sweat at the table.

What’s the moral of this story?  Well, there’s not one.  

Actually...there is, but I want you to finish it.  Sure, you are not here to work, but why don’t you anyway?  Why don’t you just go ahead and finish doing my job.  I’ll start preparing a blog post and . . . you can just finish it.  Here goes - 

The moral of this story is _______________________________________________.

Now...aren’t you glad you don’t have to leave me a tip?

Hope you’ve enjoyed reading.  Have a great day.

JJ

I'm Not Asleep...Again

Hey friends,

I'm on vacation.  I plan on telling you more about it later, but not now.  Hope you enjoy this post from January 2011.  I would post a new one today, but...I'm not a machine people!

JJ

 

You are asleep . . . the phone rings . . . you answer it . . . and in a groggy, barritone voice - 2 octaves lower than your normal voice . . . you lie.

“Hello?  What?  No!  I’m not asleep, um, I mean, I wasn’t asleep.  I was . . . I was . . . doing laundry.”

Why do we lie?  Whether its 3 in the morning or 3 in the afternoon, we lie.  Why?     Its not like sleep is some demonstration of weakness.

Everybody sleeps.

“You hear about Bob?  He sleeps . . . almost every night.”  

“Yeah, I never did trust that guy”

It’s odd because we don’t lie about other “normal” activities in our life.

If we bump into a friend as we are leaving a restaurant and they say, “How was dinner?”    We don’t say, “Dinner?  What do you mean, dinner?  I wasn’t eating.  I’m . . . I’m doing research.  I’m in the market for some new carpet and I heard that this restaurant had a nice high traffic berber.”

Everybody eats.

Or, if we run into a friend on the way to work and he asks, “Where you headed?”  We don’t say, “Well . . . not to work!  I don’t know what you’re driving at, but I’m on my way to the racetrack!  The ponies won’t bet on themselves.”

Everybody works . . . well, you know.

Why do we lie about sleep?  What is it about sleep that brings out our inner story teller.  Its not like we ever fool anybody.  Have you ever actually believed that lie when you were on the other end of the line?

First of all, you don’t make sense when you are coming out of your slumber.  The person starts talking about people that you hadn’t brought up in the conversation.  No thought actually connects with another thought.  Its just bits and peices strung together.  Its like having a conversation with Robin Williams, but without the punchlines.

You never hang up and say, “I really belive she wasn’t alseep...and...she seems really smart.

You’ve never bought that.

Secondly, your voice betrays you.  I’m asleep 20 minutes and I sound like I could sing bass for the Oakridge Boys.  If I could bottle that voice, I could be the next Barry White.  That’s not me.  In the light of day, I’m closer to Betty White than Barry.  Yet, I’m still hoping that the person on the other end will believe that this is my normal “phone voice.”

Come On!

Why do we even answer?  Just let it ring.  Or, if we do answer . . . why not just say, “Yeah.  I was asleep.  In fact, I’m still a little out of it.  Given any luck, I’ll be back asleep as soon as we hang up.”  

But we don’t.   And we won’t.

I will try, however, to be a little more honest in my communications.  Starting now.

Well, here goes.  

I’m asleep right now.  

Look, its not your fault.  How are you supposed to know . . . you can’t hear my voice and to be fair . . . I always fail to make sense like this.  If it makes any difference - I wasn’t asleep the whole time.  I dozed somewhere around the 3rd paragraph. 

Thanks for calling.

JJ

New Orleans

I was speaking the other day to a man who found out that I used to live in New Orleans.  This man had visited New Orleans on several occasions and for the next 10 minutes he led me on a tour of the most uninteresting conversation ever had about any city...in the world.

Below is our amazing conversation:

Man:  Where did you live before moving to Des Moines?

Me:  We’ve lived here 12 years, but lived in New Orleans for 3 years prior to that.

Man:  Oh, New Orleans?  I went to New Orleans a few times when I was in the service.

Me:  Oh, ok.

Man:  New Orleans is a great city.

Me:  Yeah, we loved it.

Man:  Cafe’ Du Monde.  (This is said as a simple statement...just a statement...no     question or further comment is made...this is followed by silence)

Me:  (I’m confused)  Yeah, Cafe’ Du Monde is great.  We loved going there and just people watching.

Man:  How about that Lake....Lake um...what’s that lake?

Me:  Lake Pontchartrain.  We lived pretty close to Lake Pontchartrain.

Man:  Isn’t there a bridge that sits on the water over the lake?

Me:  Uhm...Not actually on the water...but there is a bridge that goes over the water...from one side to the other.  It’s a pretty big lake - you can’t see across from one side to the other.

Man:  That is pretty cool!  How about that French Quarter!??  Man!!  ...Bourbon Street??  (this is said with a raise of the eyebrows...I’m creeped out a bit)

Me:  Yeah, the French Quarter is pretty interesting...

Man:  They got a lot of Jazz down there, huh?

Me:  Yep.  Lots of Jazz.  

Man:  Pretty hot down there...

Me:  Yep.

Man:  They’ve got good food.  I can’t do that crawfish though...or gumbo...or jambalaya, but other than that...

Me:  Oh, sure...other than that.
(I’m pretty sure I blacked out at this point.  I don’t remember much after this.)

You’ve had this conversation before too, right?  Sometimes we find ourselves trapped in a conversation that just isn’t going to go anywhere.  I found myself screaming on the inside, for it to stop.  I was hoping for some type of natural disaster to break up the monotony.  I wondered about the possibility of a sudden heart attack...for either of us.  But, alas...help didn’t come.

Chris Farley used to do a skit on “Saturday Night Live” where he interviewed celebrities.  The entirety of the skit was him basically saying to the celebrity, “Remember that time when ___________...’member when you said ________?”  That’s how I felt during this conversation.  This guy just kept saying facts and statements about a city.  Other than just inventing stories for fun...all I could say was...”yep, the Mississippi River is in New Orleans.”  

Riveting conversation.

I hope you found this blog riveting as well. 

Remember when he said “other than that”?  

JJ

On a side note...New Orleans is a great city.  Go there any time that you have the opportunity - you’ll love it...they’ve got jazz.