I'm Not Asleep...Again

Hey friends,

I'm on vacation.  I plan on telling you more about it later, but not now.  Hope you enjoy this post from January 2011.  I would post a new one today, but...I'm not a machine people!

JJ

 

You are asleep . . . the phone rings . . . you answer it . . . and in a groggy, barritone voice - 2 octaves lower than your normal voice . . . you lie.

“Hello?  What?  No!  I’m not asleep, um, I mean, I wasn’t asleep.  I was . . . I was . . . doing laundry.”

Why do we lie?  Whether its 3 in the morning or 3 in the afternoon, we lie.  Why?     Its not like sleep is some demonstration of weakness.

Everybody sleeps.

“You hear about Bob?  He sleeps . . . almost every night.”  

“Yeah, I never did trust that guy”

It’s odd because we don’t lie about other “normal” activities in our life.

If we bump into a friend as we are leaving a restaurant and they say, “How was dinner?”    We don’t say, “Dinner?  What do you mean, dinner?  I wasn’t eating.  I’m . . . I’m doing research.  I’m in the market for some new carpet and I heard that this restaurant had a nice high traffic berber.”

Everybody eats.

Or, if we run into a friend on the way to work and he asks, “Where you headed?”  We don’t say, “Well . . . not to work!  I don’t know what you’re driving at, but I’m on my way to the racetrack!  The ponies won’t bet on themselves.”

Everybody works . . . well, you know.

Why do we lie about sleep?  What is it about sleep that brings out our inner story teller.  Its not like we ever fool anybody.  Have you ever actually believed that lie when you were on the other end of the line?

First of all, you don’t make sense when you are coming out of your slumber.  The person starts talking about people that you hadn’t brought up in the conversation.  No thought actually connects with another thought.  Its just bits and peices strung together.  Its like having a conversation with Robin Williams, but without the punchlines.

You never hang up and say, “I really belive she wasn’t alseep...and...she seems really smart.

You’ve never bought that.

Secondly, your voice betrays you.  I’m asleep 20 minutes and I sound like I could sing bass for the Oakridge Boys.  If I could bottle that voice, I could be the next Barry White.  That’s not me.  In the light of day, I’m closer to Betty White than Barry.  Yet, I’m still hoping that the person on the other end will believe that this is my normal “phone voice.”

Come On!

Why do we even answer?  Just let it ring.  Or, if we do answer . . . why not just say, “Yeah.  I was asleep.  In fact, I’m still a little out of it.  Given any luck, I’ll be back asleep as soon as we hang up.”  

But we don’t.   And we won’t.

I will try, however, to be a little more honest in my communications.  Starting now.

Well, here goes.  

I’m asleep right now.  

Look, its not your fault.  How are you supposed to know . . . you can’t hear my voice and to be fair . . . I always fail to make sense like this.  If it makes any difference - I wasn’t asleep the whole time.  I dozed somewhere around the 3rd paragraph. 

Thanks for calling.

JJ