Did My Phone Ring?

We’ve all been in a crowded restaurant and thought that we heard our cell phone ring . . . only to check and discover that it, in fact, was not ringing. 

Nothing to be ashamed of.  Its loud.  Lots of extra noise.  Easy mistake to make.  No worries.

What’s causing me concern, however, is that several times of late I have experienced a more disturbing . . . how should I say it . . . “phenomenon”.

I carry my phone in my back pocket.  I’m not a belt clip guy.  I try to avoid carrying excess tools and utensils on my belt.  In fact, I don’t carry anything on my belt.  If I ever become a Super Hero, I’ll certainly wear “stuff” on my belt.  But, in the absence of this occupational change, I’ll keep my belt free for its intended purpose.

Back to my recent experiences.

So, several times of late I have “felt” my phone vibrate to signal an incoming call or text.  However, upon retrieving my phone I come to find out that in fact, my phone did not ring  .  .  . or vibrate.

Ok.  No one called or texted . . . I can live with that.  What is disturbing to me is that I “felt” something.  Why would I “feel” something?  What would I “feel”?  This doesn’t make sense and kind of creeps me out a bit.  

Nothing should be going on back there.  I’m not sure if this is some type of medical condition or what it could be.  

If it is a medical condition, how would I ever confirm such a diagnosis?  I wouldn’t.  I’m not walking into a clinic and telling a doctor that I’m experiencing “vibrations.”  No, that’s not happening.

What if its a technical issue?  What if my phone is actually vibrating, but does so at random times with no discernable purpose?  Am I going into my Sprint store and explaining my “sensations” to the 15 year old techie?  No, that’s not happening either.

Look, I don’t know what’s going on.  I’m genuinely concerned though.  Nothing on my body should be moving without prior knowledge from yours truly.  I’m actually afraid to answer my phone now.  Is it really ringing this time or am I well on my way to staring in an episode of “Mystery Diagnosis”?

What I’m trying to say is . . . if you want to get in touch with me - send me an email.  

Furthermore, I . . . um, um, I . . .

Sorry, I gotta go . . . my phone’s ringing . . . I think . . . 

JJ

You readin' a blog?

So, here’s the deal.  I walk into my local barber shop the other day.  It’s a chain barber shop with stores across the city and around the country as well.  I walk in and I am met with their usual greeting.  The lady met me at the front counter and said, “Hello, how can we help you today?”

Really?  “How can we help you?”  This is a barber shop.  They don’t do anything other than what the sign says . . . they cut hair.  What else am I going to be coming in there for?

“Um, yeah, I’d like a large pepperoni pizza and an order of breadsticks.”

“Yes, thank you. I need to see someone about diversifying my investment portfolio.”

“Is the priest in now or do I need to make and appointment?”

Come On! . . . 

     “I would like to receive a hair cut please, kind lady, and I have come prepared to pay the asking price.”  Is this type of formality really required for this transaction to happen?

My barber shop isn’t the only place in town where obvious questions are thrown around on a daily basis.

My wife, our daughter and I walk into most any restaurant and this is what we typically get from the greeter:  “So, there will be 3 of us for dinner tonight?”

“No.  Only 2 of us tonight. We’re gonna have the little one just stand and watch.”

Another regular phrase we hear is:  “So, will we be needing a children’s menu this evening?”  

“No.  Actually, the little one here is gonna have the ‘Double Meat Trucker Special’ . . . and could you bring her the largest container of Coffee that you have?”

Come On!  

I think its a safe bet that anyone under 7 is going to be needing a children’s menu and will probably be ordering some form of Mac N’ Cheese.

I’m not even going to get into the phrase, “WE” when said by someone who actually will not be joining us.  It can be “we” if by “we” you mean that “you” are contributing toward “our” check.  Otherwise, No “we”.

I’m giving these people a hard time, but we all do it.  We all find ourselves asking the most obvious questions.  I’m not sure why, but it just happens.

You see a friend at the grocery store and you hear yourself ask, “So, . . . you doin’ a little shopping?”  -- No, I’m actually following you and I’m surprised you’re just now seeing me.

You see a friend coming out of the movie theater and you just can’t stop yourself from asking, “So, you see a movie tonight?”  -- No, we just come here for the long lines and reasonably priced snacks . . . they have movies here?

I’m not sure why we do this, but the truth is - we all do it.  

We are all guilty.

All of this talk about obvious questions really makes me wonder.  It makes me wonder about a lot of things.  Actually . . . right now, I’m wondering about you.

What I really want to know is:  

                                         “So . . . you readin’ a blog?”

JJ

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine’s Day.

There it is, right in the title . . . Happy.  The name alone is enough to send anxiety upon all of us.  This day is important and it must be “Happy”.  Valentine’s Day brings with it such . . . pressure.

First of all, with Valentine’s Day, there is the pressure to have someone significant to share the day.  This really isn’t the case with other holidays.  We can be flexible with whom we spend other days.  Think about it:  With Thanksgiving, we can just enjoy getting together with friends and/or family.  St. Patty’s Day is just about being with friends who like green or maybe with those who believe they can find some kind of Irish heritage in their background.    How about . . . Arbor Day – well, you know, this could be spent with almost anyone.  There is certainly no pre-existing hopes or dreams about how Arbor Day will go.  But, Valentine’s Day…this has to be spent with your “LOVE.” 

Pressure.

As if the pressure to have someone special isn’t enough - the flow of the day has to be special too.  This day can’t be just like any other day.  It has to be perfect.  There is no room to forget it or to place it on some reserve shelf.  It demands to be front and center and it certainly calls for all of your attention.  Messing this day up could spell disaster.

What will you plan?  Where will you go?  Do you have to have reservations?  Did you remember to make the reservations the moment the restaurant started taking them?  Did you line up a sitter for the kids early enough?  What if you have to work late on Valentine’s Day?

Pressure.

If you and your significant other have a special place that you enjoy then that is always an option . . . or is that going to seem boring this year – like you didn’t even try?

Even if the place is special to your relationship (maybe you met there) – it can’t be just average.  Basically, I’m saying that no matter how “special” it is to you both, if it has a dollar menu – It ain’t gonna cut it.

You want to be daring and adventurous and try something new, but . . . what if the place is a bust?  What if the food is bad and the service is worse?  What if all of the glowing reviews were written by the owner?  What then?  How do you rebound from that?

Pressure.

Let’s say that you answer all of the above questions.  You know just the perfect place and everything works out fine.  What gift will you give?  It can’t be practical, of course, this is Valentine’s Day.  It can’t be romantically cliché either.   No one is doing themselves a favor by giving a vacuum cleaner for Valentine’s Day…or a sweater…or a gift card.  It has to be special.

A dozen red roses?  Great idea – everyone has that idea and the florists know this.  That’s why the price of roses skyrocket around Valentine’s Day.  Come On!  What a rip.  Who says Carnations aren’t romantic.  My wallet sure gets woozy thinking about this change of custom.

Chocolate?  O sure.  No one has thought of that.  It has to be fine chocolate though.  Chocolate “Kisses” are a lie.  They don’t offer kisses . . . maybe they should be called Chocolate “Disappointments.”  As in, “My husband gave me some disappointment this Valentine’s Day.”  In fact, simple grocery store candy won’t say, “I love you.”  Grocery store candy says, “I remembered you liked chocolate on my way home from work…and I had 89 cents to spare.”

A teddy bear?  Come On.  This basically says, “Here, cuddle with this tonight.”

Don’t even think about cooking a romantic meal unless you DVR the Food Network every night.  You can’t do it.  You’ll be in way over your head.  You’ll drown.  An unsuccessful romantic meal that you made yourself says, “I’m a failure, I forgot to make reservations . . . and . . . I’d rather not be seen in public with you.”  OUCH!  Don’t go down this road.  Trust me, find a nice restaurant.

Even the card is important.  You have to find the perfect card.  It can’t be cheesy.  It can’t sound like some lame pick up line.  And above all . . . it can’t be homemade.  Nothing says you forgot - like a card written out with your daughter’s crayons.

Pressure.

This is serious business.  Valentine’s Day is more pressure than any other holiday  -  even more than the birthday of your significant other. Though that day is pretty pressure filled as well.

This reminds me . . . I should mention that my wife’s birthday is . . . well, its on Valentine’s Day.

That’s right.  Let that soak in for a minute.

Just bask in the glow of having Valentine’s Day and your wife’s birthday on the same day.

Pressure.

What is a guy to do?

I’ll tell you what I need to do . . . I gotta go.

No seriously, I need to wrap this up because I’ve still got some work to do. 

I’ve got gifts stashed around the house.  They need to be wrapped.

I’ve got to double check with the restaurant to “Double Check” that our reservation is still good.

I’ve got to finalize with our daughter’s sitter.

I’ve got to get something dry cleaned.

There is still the matter of cake, flowers, a card and . . . I can do it.  Stop laughing.  I CAN do it.

No more distractions.  I can make this happen.

Maybe I could write a song or make her something . . . focus, Jon . . . focus!

Mindy - if you read this . . . let me go ahead and apologize.  We are trying a new Russian restaurant this Valentine’s Day/Birthday.  Not sure how it will go, but . . . the reviews are good.

JJ

Super Bowl

Today is Super Sunday.  Its the Super Bowl.  Its like Super Tuesday except more people are interested.

The Super Bowl is, without question, the biggest sporting event in America.  No other sport has the same “umph” as the Super Bowl.

You don’t see to many “Tour de France” parties.  Why?  The race is too long.  Its usually tape delayed and . . . its cycling.

Major League Baseball is huge, but it can’t compare.  Part of it is the schedule of it.  With a 7 game series - when do you get together?  No average fan has time to get together all 7 nights.  You can’t just plan to get together for game 7 either - what if it doesn’t make it to 7?  Your big party is ruined.  

Basketball is the same thing.  The NBA may be “fantastic” and it may be “where amazing happens”, but it ain’t gonna bring out anyone other than basketball fanatics.

I, personally, love golf.  I even like to watch golf on occasion.  For most people, however, watching golf is only a little more tolerable than being waterboarded.  Not too many people paint their faces and get together to watch the Masters.  I do, but not most people.

Undisputed - its the Super Bowl.  Its a one and done game . . . and its in the middle of the winter - what else do you have going on?

What I love about Super Bowl parties are all of the non football fans who are drawn into the mix.  In fact, non sports fans participate in Super Bowl parties too.  But why?

Its the commercials.  Or is it the snacks?

Its the commercials.

When have you ever talked about the funny commercials with your co-workers on the Monday after game 3 of the NBA Finals?  When have there been television shows that rank the top U.S. Open Commercials of all time?

What’s funny about Super Bowl Parties is how loud it is during the game and how all of the non sports fans give a collective “SHHHH” everytime the game goes to commercial.  I’ve got to admit that the commercials are usually humorous, but . . . would I really get together with my friends just to watch funny commercials?  NO!  I have a DVR and I spend most of my tv viewing actually skipping the commercials.  Why would I want to highlight them for 6 hours?  I wouldn’t.  It seems that the Super Bowl has become so popular because of commercials.  Its really the Commercial Bowl.

Or is it the snacks?

In addition to the game . . . and the commercials, the game is really about the snacks.  When, other than Thanksgiving, do you call a bunch of people that you don’t usually hang out with and say, “Hey, lets get together and eat until we’re sick!”

“Let’s see, I’ll bring Nachos and wings and doritos and cheetos too.  I better bring something for dessert . . . brownies . . . and I guess cookies too.  Oh, yeah and a float would be nice.”  Everyone else empties their fridge as well . . . and don’t forget the pizza!  A really good party has pizza delivered in the first quarter and then again after halftime.  We wouldn’t want someone to go without food for more than 30 seconds.

We don’t eat like this at any other sporting event.  We don’t stuff ourselves like this while watching the Boston Marathon or the Olympics.  It would make us feel too guilty.  We wouldn’t want to watch all of those highly trained athletes in perfect physical condition do their thing while we . . . wipe French Onion dip off of our shirt . . . or see how many Oreos we can fit in our mouth at one time.  That would just make us feel . . . awkward. NFL players are in shape too, but we see them in pads and it doesn’t look the same.  We also focus on the bellies Offensive Lineman and tell ourselves that we are just eating like a champion.

Super Bowl parties are fun.  The game, however, is secondary.  We are all there to eat and we’re there to laugh.

Have a great time tonight.  Enjoy the Food.  Enjoy the Commercials.  

Enjoy the collective “SHH!” from the non sports fans.

Hope you enjoyed my thoughts.

JJ