A Human Junk Drawer

When I was 6 years old, I rolled through life with little more than my wonderful little personality.  Sure, there was the occasional football or rock that I’d tote along, but for the most part...life was pretty simple.

By the time I reached college - I would carry my dorm room key (on a string) and my ID.  Life was changing, but it was still pretty simple.

Now, in my 30s, I’m starting down the slippery slope to becoming my own junk drawer.  When I leave the house, I have with me a cell phone, a wallet, keys and a watch.  That’s not bad, but I fear that my age is catching up with me.

I’ve begun to notice that with age - comes stuff.  This stuff is so important that we feel we must have it on our person at all times.  People talk about gaining weight as they grow older...most of this is probably just the addition of the stuff that we carry.  Bad backs and leg pain don’t just happen with age...they are born out of carrying of stuff for years upon years.

My parents visited recently and I saw this phenomenon first hand with my dad.  I asked my dad if he had a pen on him.  I knew the answer before I asked him because he always has a pen on him...usually more than one.  He started fishing around in his pants pockets and started pulling all of this stuff out in an effort to get to the pen(s).  No joke here - he brought the following items out of his pants pockets:  2 Cameras, A Cell Phone, A Wallet, A Handkerchief, A Knife, 2 Pens and $12.73 in change.  

Ok.  I didn’t actually count the change, but it was more than I’d had in my pockets over the past 6 years combined.  

What?!  How is that possible?  A human junk drawer.  2 cameras?!  Come on!  I’m not convinced that this was everything either...there could have been more, but I was afraid to ask.  What if I had asked for a skill saw?  What if I’d had needed a ladder?  Where would this have ended...or would it have?

I just took a quick glance around in my closet and . . . nope . . . there is not one pair of pants in there that could handle 2 cameras.  I don’t own a pair of pants that could handle $12 in change.  Are my pants going to change that much from now ‘til when I turn 65?  Is there some sort of special “Grandpa” Pants Store that I’m unaware of?  “You’ll like how much stuff you can carry...I guarantee it!”  

This is beginning to make sense though.  I’ve always seen old guys sitting on benches in malls.  I had always assumed that they were just bored of being at the mall...Wrong!  It turns out that they are just exhausted from all of the stuff they’ve been totin’ around.  I’d take some walk breaks too, if I was toting around all of that stuff. 

Women are the same way.  The older a lady gets, the bigger the purse...the more stuff.  My grandmother used to pull tomotoes and a full silverware set out of her purse - and this was just in preparation to eat at McDonald’s!  Imagine what else she had in there!  I once saw a lady pull a framed 8X10 picture of her grandbaby out of her purse.  The picture was actually larger than her granddaughter!

People, people, people...let’s get a grip.  Home is where the heart is...and it should be where you keep most of your stuff too.  Shouldn’t we at least agree that you should limit the number of cameras you carry to one...unless you work for Sports Illustrated?  Shouldn’t we cap how much change you carry to $4 or less...Unless you work in an arcade or at a nickel casino?

Look, I’m not sure what it is about age and stuff, but this is certainly true.  Test it out for yourself.  Find your nearest elder and ask to borrow something...anything...they have it.  

Have a great day, and take some walk breaks today if you need ‘em.  Hope you have enjoyed reading.

JJ