Don't Just Sit There, Drink Something

Yesterday, I needed to drive 2 hours away from home for work and I felt the urge to load up on liquids like I was trekking across the desert on the back of a camel.  

I’m not sure what it is, but every time I travel more than 10 minutes by car, I can’t get enough liquid.  I plan and prepare for my long dry journey with the intensity and purpose of one embarking on an ultra-marathon.  Nothing can be left to chance.  Extras are permissible, but running out mid course would be tragic . . . even deadly.  Perhaps the air in the car is dryer than normal.  Perhaps seeing the scenery pass by in a blur gives my body the impression that I’m running really fast and thus the need to restore fluids...I’m not sure.  When my fluids do run dry, I go into panic mode.  The next exit can’t come quick enough.  About half way home yesterday, I saw a mirage of a giant Diet Mountain Dew bottle on the horizon.  I knew it was too good to be true, but I drove towards it just the same.  I didn’t look at my fuel gauge one time during the trip, but I checked the levels of my Dew about every 12 minutes.  “Check and Check.”

The more I think about it - the more I think its not the driving, but the sitting that triggers my thirst issues.  I don’t remember much about biology class...or chemistry...or whichever one talks about bodily organs - but I don’t believe either discussed any known linkage between sitting and thirst.  Maybe I’m a trend setter - maybe others face this problem quietly and I’m just the first to speak out on this most personal of struggles - or, maybe, I’m just a freak.

So, as I mentioned, the car is not the only place that this thirst happens.  It happens when I sit down.

I can be perfectly hydrated and then sit in front of the television and . . . BAM! . . . I’m thirsty.  The purpose of commercials, it seems, is to provide me with the opportunity to refuel.  If I could find a way to hook up a fire hose through the window in my den, I’d be a happy, hydrated man.  I’d also need to think about some sort of tiled flooring and a plastic covering for my sofa, but those details could come later. 

If I’m just hangin’ around the house or getting things done at work - no need for water, but as soon as I sit down somewhere all of the cells in my body scream for liquid.  You’ve heard the quote, “I think, therefore I am.”  - my version is just a bit different, “I sit, therefore I am...thirsty.”

Movie theater . . . same problem.  It’s as if I would actually wither up and die without a garbage can size of drink by my side.  The drinks at the theater are getting so big, in fact, they are going to need a seat remodel to enlarge the already massive cup holders that are provided.  There is a panic that takes place here at the theater as well.  If you told me that I wouldn’t be able to eat or drink for 2 hours, I’d be ok with that.  For some reason, however, when faced with this 2 hour fast while sitting in front of a movie screen...I must find the largest container in the building in order to satiate my thirst.  

It doesn’t take long before our talk of adding liquid makes us think about the eventual need to empty the liquid.  “Doesn’t this require a movie watching interruption on my part to go use the restroom”, you might ask?  Yes it does...and I am ok with that.  Sure, I’ll crawl across 15 strangers 8 times in 2 hours to use the restroom, but it is better than the alternative...dehydration and death.  Sure, it took me until the fourth time watching E.T. to find out that he actually made it home.  “Jerry Maguire” was ok, but I still haven’t seen the famous scene where someone says, “Show me the money!”  The only thing I remember about that movie was my own quote, “Show me the bathroom!”  But...at least I wasn’t thirsty.  (you’d think I could come up with some movie examples from this decade, but apparently...no)

Look, I’m not a doctor...but I’m pretty sure others face this same phenomenon.  Tell the truth...you are sitting down reading this sentence and you are drinking something right now aren’t you?  Don’t feel bad.  In fact, embrace this biological need.  “Sit, Drink and Be Merry.”

Hope you enjoyed your beverage...and your reading.

JJ