I just received a new debit card in the mail. It was attached to a piece of paper that gave me some instructions on how to activate my card. Pretty normal stuff. The backside of the paper, however, opened my eyes to a world that I, until now, have largely ignored. I hope that I don’t overstate my level of training after having read this document, but I am now basically qualified to be some sort of spy or special agent.
The heading on the back page of this document states:
Stay in control of your security
This was followed by several subcategories teaching me how to remain safe and in control.
Selecting your Personal Identification Number (PIN)
-When selecting your PIN, do not use any number that appears in your wallet. Really? I can’t use any number that appears in my wallet. Taking a quick look, I discover that the following numbers are inside my wallet: 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 & 9... This presents a problem for me in selecting a PIN. I decide I’ll have to come back to this problem later. Maybe I’ll ask my wife for help.
-Memorize your PIN - Never share it with anyone or write the number down. It’s at this point that I begin to realize that I have stumbled upon something serious. Here I thought that I was just renewing my debit card, but this is much more serious. I’m wondering if this “not telling anyone” includes my wife. I trust her. I’ve been married to her for more than 15 years. We are kind of a team, but . . . in light of this Wells Fargo document . . . I’m not sure she can be trusted. It clearly stated that I should not share it with “anyone.” I’m sure they know that I’m married. They know my Social Security number and everything. The pressure is on for me now, I can’t even write this number down. I contemplate writing it down just once and then burning the paper, but I don’t. It seems too risky.
-Change your PIN every six months. What?! Do I work at the Pentagon now? I force myself to take a break from this debit card renewal...the pressure is mounting and I’m not sure I can do this. I don’t change the oil in my car every six months . . . how in the world am I going to remember to change this PIN number every six months? I have already decided not to write this number down, but I wonder if I could get one of those things implanted in my hip like Matt Damon did in The Bourne Identity? I’m kind of thinking that Jason Bourne has read this same document. I’m ready. The break did me good. Bring it on!
Managing your account
-Shop with merchants that you know and trust. Well, that does it . . . I’ll never walk in a mall again in my life. There is no one in there that I know and trust. This one doesn’t really bother me . . . after all, something’s gotta get cut. I also think through my time in Target and Wal-Mart stores . . . I question if I really know and trust the people behind the counter. In light of my new skepticism of my wife of 15 years, then I guess I don’t trust these “store people” either. I make a note to myself to try and come up with a merchant that I do trust.
Using an ATM
-Be aware of your surroundings and exercise caution when withdrawing funds. Of course, common sense. This is totally understandable.
-Consider having someone accompany you when using an ATM after dark. Ok, guys. How serious is this thing getting? Exercise caution AND have someone go with me? Does it matter who goes with me? Could my daughter go? Should it be someone in law enforcement or someone who knows a form of martial arts? I’m confused . . . and I’m frightened.
-Watch for suspicious persons or activity around the ATM. Ok, check. My eyes will be peeled. If you observe suspicious persons or circumstances, do not use the ATM at that time. Ok. If someone weird is there (other than me and my bodyguard) I won’t use the ATM. If you are in the middle of a transaction, cancel the transaction, take your card, leave the area and come back at another time or use an ATM at another location. Oh, man - I didn’t think about something happening in the middle of a transaction. This is getting scary. It seems like a lot to remember to cancel, take my card AND leave the area. Quick question...what’s my bodyguard doing during this time? Why did I hire him? Why did I buy him that gun?
-Ensure no one sees you enter your PIN. What about my bodyguard? I guess if my wife is out . . . Rocco is out too. (Rocco is my bodyguard).
-Refrain from displaying cash and put it away as soon as your transaction is completed. Wait to count your cash until you’re in the safety of a locked enclosure, such as a car or home. Great! Now I guess I can’t do my little “I got some cash” dance that I’ve been doing! It’s a really fun dance, and I’m pretty good at it. Sometimes, I like to make the money into a fan and just sit back, eat grapes and fan myself with my cash right there in the front of the ATM. Other times I yell, “Booyah!” when I grab my cash and point to it over and over saying, “What? Who’s got some green? I do, I do!” Those days are gone, I guess.
I can’t even count it until I get into an enclosed structure? This one is hits me hard! I really enjoy sitting on the ground with my legs crossed while sorting everything out in stacks of 10. I count it all 2 or 3 times before leaving the ATM. I’m not saying I’ll keep doing it, I’m just saying this one will be difficult.
-When using a drive-up ATM, keep your engine running. Aside from the driver’s window, keep all of your doors and windows locked. This is ridiculous. Keep the engine running? I’m beginning to look like a get away car.
That’s when I realized that what I had actually been mailed was instructions on how to rob a bank . . . see if it doesn’t hold true.
1. Get a plan and share it with no one. Don’t write it down...don’t leave a paper trail
2. Case out the place and look for witnesses.
3. Bring some muscle.
4. Consider bailing on the job if people are around. Don’t let others see what you are doing. Count all cash at another location.
5. Keep your engine running and be ready to split if things go South.
Now I’m more nervous than ever. I’m deciding to just go with the “debit card” thing instead of the “rob a bank” thing. I will definitely be looking into getting that Bourne Identity chip in my hip though. I had some more thoughts to share with you, but my wife is coming and I’m afraid she’ll ask me what my PIN is...
Hope you’ve enjoyed reading. Have a great day and keep “watching for suspicious persons.”
JJ
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