What A Zoo!

Why is it that every employee at the zoo looks the same no matter which zoo you’re visiting?  Seriously, is there some sort of stereotypical typecast that must be met to gain employment at a zoo?  

On a recent trip, I bet I saw 100 zoo employees that all looked exactly the same.  Both males and females had a slender frame, long hair and 3 days growth on their beard.  Every one of them were wearing a hemp bracelet and had a pound of granola in their fanny pack.  I might like to work at a zoo one day, but I’m not sure I could get in.

More interesting to me than the look-a-like zoo crew were the ample opportunities to view parenting at its best. *please note usage of sarcastic italics

I was especially fond of the parents who sat their toddlers up on the railing in front of the orangutan enclosure.  It was as if they were already rehearsing their voice over work explaining their thoughts on the eminent “Animal Planet” reenactment.

Another parenting segment that caught my attention was the super smart amateur zoologist parent.  This parent was great because they knew everything about the animal in question.  They knew how fast it could run and how much power it could produce.  They, with great drama, told their small child how the animal just 10 feet away would kill the child with one move.  This will be the same parent who, in just a few hours, will be frustrated with their child for having a nightmare.  

Not to be outdone was the I’m a better growler than this bear parent.  This guy was standing at the Polar Bear enclosure and was holding a 2 year old.  The Polar Bear was sleeping and this dad wasn’t going to have it.  Hoping to get his money’s worth, this guy growled at the top of his lungs...over and over and over.  The Bear didn’t respond, but the kid got kind of upset, so...

All in all, it was an awesome trip to the zoo.  Below are a few thoughts related to my day.

Top 10 Thoughts While Visiting the Omaha Zoo.

10.  I saw a rabbit running free at the zoo today.  It didn’t bother me; though I probably would have felt differently had it been any other animal at the zoo.

  9.  I was in a room with an 800lb gorilla - everyone is right...that is awkward.

  8.  Saying that the worst part of the zoo is “all of the walking” is ironic because the animals say the exact opposite.

  7.  If someone can keep the “FRI” stamp from washing off their hand for a solid week...they deserve to get in free next Friday.

  6.  Some people pulled out their very best tank top for their trip to the zoo.  Fancy.

  5.  I spent 45 minutes at the extensive car exhibit before I realized that I wasn’t actually inside the zoo yet.

  4.  Seeing a gorilla pick his nose made me think...”I wonder how my uncle Carl is doing these days?”

  3.  The lady working at the Butterfly House had clearly been drinking...for 60 years.

  2.  There is something special about spending $70 on popcorn and 2 icees in commemorative cups.

      And My Number 1 Thought While Visiting 

the Omaha Zoo . . . 

Am I the only one who is too afraid to use the bathroom in the Reptile House?

Thanks for reading.  I hope you enjoyed.

JJ

Me and My Dentist

I had a Dental appointment recently and it made me think . . . I don’t believe we “cram” for any other medical professional like we do the dentist.

Ok - I’m for real here.  At the risk of sounding like one without good personal hygiene - I always brush with a little more purpose before going to the Dentist.  Don’t pretend that you don’t do the same.  It’s not like I’m a slacker the rest of the time.  But in those fateful days and hours leading up to the Dental visit, I am all about the brushin’ and flossin’.

I don’t think I’d be advised to brush and floss 12 times a day.  It just seems like wasted opportunity if I don’t.  I know that I can’t really ‘make up for lost time’, but I give it a good shot.

There is something about going to the Dentist that makes me look for approval.  Some kind of medical “pat on the back.”  I’m not sure why, but this is only the case with the dentist.  

I envision the Dental Hyginst remarking about how clean my teeth are.  I envision her calling the other hygienists in for some type of a brag session.  I would defer praise of course...saying something about how we are all just a team and that it couldn’t do it without the help of these wonderful professionals. 

It would be false humility, but I think I could sell it.

When the Dentist finally arrives, he should be in awe.  I want him to say something like, “Well, I don’t know what I’m doing here...These teeth are perfect!”

I don’t have any of these thoughts when it comes to my Eye Doctor.  I promise you - I don’t have a rogue eye chart that I run through in my basement before I go for an eye exam.  It is what it is and I’ll see what I see.  No craming.  No quick tutorial before the appointment.

My Ear, Nose and Throat guy doesn’t even cross my mind one time before I go see him.  Seriously, I’m not driving around town with the radio turned real low just to see if I can hear it.

I just don’t know what it is about the Dentist.  Maybe its that I’m going to see him twice a year no matter what.  That certainly brings about some sort of relationship.  In fact, every other time I see him . . . its our anniversary.  Too creepy?  Ok, that’s a little much.  He does send me cards though...

Could it be the bag of goodies that he gives me each time we visit?  No one else offers such treats after every visit.  Do I use the toothbrush he gives me?  No.  I’ve got an electric, but I appreciate the thought.  My ENT doesn’t give me headphones.  My eye doctor does give me contacts . . . but I pay dearly for those.

Whatever the reason - I aim to please this medical professional.  Still not sure why, but I try.  As I have reflected on this today, I have come to at least two conclusions:  1)  I’m a freak. (That may already be a given)  2)  There’s no way that you don’t do the same medical craming when it comes to the Dentist!

I appreciate you stopping by each week to read my wierd thoughts.  Thanks.  I hope you’ve had a laugh or two.

JJ

You Should Have Thought About Eating Fruit Before Now

Some people are embarrassed by having to buy toilet paper at the grocery store.  That’s really no big deal though, because everyone has to go to the bathroom.  Right?  However, I recently had to buy a plunger . . . and that’s a very, very different story.

Talk about feeling like a freak!

I can’t even describe the kind of looks I received from my fellow shoppers!  I could almost hear people as they passed by, “What does that guy eat?”...”He looks like he needs a plunger.”  “Look, he’s wearing a wedding ring . . . His poor wife!”  

Mothers were shielding their children.  Men wouldn’t look me in the eyes.  

It was a lonely existence.

With these kinds of thoughts being thrown around, I couldn’t exactly just walk in a buy a plunger and leave.  If I just bought it and left - it would look like I was in the middle of a crisis at home.  I didn’t want that. 

I felt like I had to buy “extra stuff” or else explain myself to the person at the checkout counter.  I’m not going to the counter and saying, “Um, yeah...There’s this flu type thing going around...”  That would make it worse, right?  I couldn’t ignore it either though - I can’t just go to the counter and say, “Crazy weather we’re havin’ huh?”  

So I opted for the “extra stuff” approach.

This decision, however, presented an additional problem.  I had to be careful not to purchase anything that would add to the already growing discussions among my fellow patrons.  These “extra” items had to be benign.  But what?  What could I purchase that would carry me out of the freak zone?

First off - Any type of cheese is out.  That’s too much of a conversation piece.  Actually, once I thought about it...the decision was made:  No dairy at all.  

Fruit would be a good choice, but I felt that would be overkill.  If I were to buy a plunger and a cart full of fruit - I could just hear the response, “O, seriously guy? - you should have thought about eating fruit before now!  That’s not going to help you.”  

Same thing for anything with fiber in it.  Come on, you know that would be rough!

I couldn’t buy any junk food either because that would just reinforce my new status as “disgusting guy” in ailse 4.  In fact, by this point, I was so overwhelmed with all of the potential judgement - I decided not to buy any food at all.  It all seemed inappropriate.

So, with my newfound clarity, I marched over to the “home supplies” ailse.  This was actually back where I started my shopping experience.  “We can always use cleaning supplies,” I reasoned.  So. . . I bought some clorox, a few towels and a mop.

People still looked at me like I was weird, but I think I got out of there with my dignity.

Wait a minute . . . clorox, towels and a . . . Oh no!  

Well, looks like I won’t be going back to that store again.

JJ

An Apple A Day . . .

“The early bird gets the worm.”  What?  I’m not sure this is accurate. Is it?

“Well, it’s 6 of one, half dozen of the other.”  Ok, so now I’ve got to do math to figure out which option is better?

I have heard quite a few “sayings” lately.  These sayings are widely accepted, but are pretty weird.  

I don’t want to use this space to merely recap these sayings, but it would be fun to put a twist on a few.  These should make about as much sense as the ones that you hear as often as I do,

The Top 10 New Idioms and Nonsensical Sayings:

10. An apple a day keeps you going to the market fairly regularly.

9.  Time heals all wounds . . . except the really bad ones that won’t quit bleeding.  For those, you should probably see a doctor.

8.  Every cloud has a silver lining...except the really dark clouds that bring tornadoes.

7.  Lend me your ear...and I’ll promise to be really careful with it.

6.  Preaching to the choir is important, because some of those choir members are just freaks.

5.  Put your best foot forward, but please - wash it or spray something.  Come On!

4.  Don’t rock the boat, especially if you can’t swim.

3.  People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones . . . they shouldn’t be throwing anything really - and they should probably wear somewhat modest clothing.

2.  A penny saved is . . . not very much.

And our #1 newly created Idiom is . . . 

1.  If at first you don’t succeed . . . then you’re probably a loser.

JJ