Jon's Less Interesting Books

One of my least favorite television show formats of all time is the “flashback” show.  It’s the show where there is not much that is original and they just look back at all of the other shows that they’ve done.

Well, I may dislike this format, but that is what you’re getting today.  Come on, it’s been a busy week!  

If you follow me on Twitter then most of these are repeats...if you don’t...look at what all you’re missing!

Recently, there was a thread on Twitter that was #lessinterestingbooks.  This is where you take an original book and change it to be...a little less interesting.   Andy Richter said, “Profiles in Porridge” and Tom Papa said, “Crime and A Good Talking To.  So, I’m basically taking my Tweets on the subject and reposting them here.

Below are my thoughts of the books that I’d like to read...

Jon’s Top 10 Less Interesting Books...

10.  The Lord of the Files    -  Novel about a highly proficient and arrogant bookkeeper

  9.  Where the Tame Things Are    -  Less intense children’s book

  8.  The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Route 66    -  More practical than previous edition

  7.  Tuesdays With My Parole Officer    -  Less Inspirational than the original

  6.  The Old Man and The Flea    -  Same story, but set in a dingy apartment

  5.  Tale of Two Infections    -  It was only the worst of times

  4.  Good Night Sun    -  Written for kids who work 3rd shift

  3.  The Tell Tale Fart    -  He who smelt it must have delt it

  2.  The One Habit of Highly Ineffective People    -  The Intricacies of Couch Sitting

And Jon’s Least Interesting Book is:

         Charlotte’s Webbed Fingers

Maybe you have your own...I'd love to hear 'em.

Some of these books, if I do say so myself, look more interesting than the original.  I hope you've enjoyed reading.  Have a great day.

JJ

@jamisonjon

Poor Judgement Day

Well, Well, Well - May 21, 2011 was here and then it was gone . . . and we were not!  Mr. Harold Camping had made quite the prediction.  The prediction was that the end times were here and Judgement Day was beginning at 6pm EST on the 21st. 

This was not just a mere possibility, but Camping had laid it out as the absolute gospel.  Sure, he had made a similar prediction in 1994, but this time...this time he had reworked the math.  This time, he was certain.  For Harold, this turned out to be "Poor Judgement Day".  Others followed suit and prepared for the end.

My question is, “What was Saturday night or Sunday morning like for these guys who were so certain?”  What could Camping possibly say to his congregation on Sunday morning after such a bold and very specific prediction?

There is no way for me to know for sure, but the following Top Ten List would be my best guess.

The Top Ten Things Overheard at Harold Camping’s Church Sunday Morning:

10.  What!?  You thought I said the 21st...?

  9.  Ha Ha!  April Fool’s you guys!  

  8.  OOPS!

  7.  Great!!  Now I have to restart my subscription to “Crazy Bible Math Weekly”.

  6.  That big mortgage balloon payment scheduled for June doesn’t seem like such a good idea now!

  5.  I’ve gotta be honest with you...this feels worse than my missed prediction of 1994.

  4.  I now boldly predict the end of the Oprah Show...sometime next March.

  3.  At least no one outside of our group heard about my little prediction!

  2.  Ok, good trial run people...next time, its for real.

And the Number 1 Thing Overheard at Harold Camping’s Church Yesterday was:

       “...Hey, Where’s Harold?”

So, I know that this guy has been raked over the coals for his “prediction”.  I’m not trying to bust on him for being wrong...just for being stupid.  The Disciples asked Jesus when the end was coming and Jesus said, “Only the Father knows.”  I’m thinking that if Jesus doesn’t know...then Harold doesn’t know.             

“No one knows the day or the hour”  - Matthew 24:36

Hope you enjoyed reading.  Have a great day.

JJ

I don't really think this is the time

As awkward situations go this wasn’t so bad.  As normal situations go...this was pretty awkward.  

All I wanted to do was complete my order for paint at my local hardware store.  What stood between me and my paint, however, was a man and his torn rotator cuffs.

I reached around the counter and picked up my first 5 gallon bucket of paint just as the “Paint Guy” was ready to slide it to me with his foot.  He then told me that the reason he wasn’t picking up the paint was that he had a problem with his shoulders.  He had just had rotator cuff surgery on one and was in need of surgery on the other.

So far - no problem.  You’ve got an issue and want to share, that’s alright . . . I guess.  Where this situation turned awkward was when the paint guy began sharing specifics.

“Wow, that must be painful”, I said with hesitation.  Apparently, that was all of the “Go” that the paint guy needed.

He began telling me how he got relief from the pain.  The paint guy then painted the picture of him setting in his Lazy Boy chair.  He told me (and demonstrated) how he had to recline just about 3/4 of the way back.  Not all of the way, you see, just most of the way.  He then described in great detail exactly how he needed to place his hands.  He had to set them gently in his lap.  He then demonstrated this intricate hand positioning for me...just in case I had missed his verbal description.  Placing his hands this way provided for maximum relief.  He then demonstrated by what process he went through to get a drink of water. 

Thankfully, my paint was ready and I made a quick exit.  Not sure where our little demonstrations would have gone next, but I’m glad I wasn’t around to find out.  Its not that I don’t want to hear how this stranger does his little bodily fixes.  Ok, it is that I don’t want to hear.  Somebody needs to hear and I hope someone is there to listen.  I’m just not sure that standing at the paint counter is the best moment to share details with a stranger.

It feels kind of the same as when a mere acquaintance begins to use words like, “diarrhea” or begins explaining various bodily ailments.  If the words, “Toilet struggles” are uttered...I’m gone.  People do this though...people share way too much to strangers.  

A lady that I barely know told me, in great detail, about her hysterectomy.  Wow!  That was just way more than I ever cared to know about that!  While she was talking, I was screaming inside my head, "No!  Please stop!!  Alert, Alert, Alert!!"  Her comments were so specific, in fact, that I believe I could pass some sort of written OBGYN medical exam.    Seriously, it was so intense that she scrubbed in for this conversation and had a gloved lady pat the perspiration off of her forehead for her.  After listening to her for 20 minutes, I am legally a doctor in 7 states...and in Cuba. 

People, people, people!   Find a good friend.  Talk to a counselor.  Join Facebook.  Whatever you do, just don’t share all of your most personal details with strangers.  Its just not right.  I’ve heard things.  I’ve heard things...that play through my mind when I’m trying to sleep.  These are not good things.  

There is an innocence missing that can never be reclaimed.

Speaking of not good things - I’ve got this “thing” on the bottom of my  . . . never mind.

Keep the details to yourself people!

Hope you enjoyed reading.

JJ

Happy Day, Mom!

Today is Mother’s Day and what better way to celebrate than to remember some things that our mom taught us.  I’d like to thank my guest contributor this week...my sister, Hannah.  **Quick note:  Hannah supplied all of the sarcastic comments.  I tried to stop her, but she overpowered me.**

The following stories are all true and have been verified by multiple witnesses.

_______________

Circa 1979

So, there we were...the family rolling up to the store.  As we get out of the car, my mom notices that she has mistakenly worn her house shoes out of the house.  Mortified, she contemplates going back home.  After only a moment, her creativity solved the issue for her.  

Mom proceeded out of the car and into the store with a newly acquired limp.  Yeah, that’s right...she faked a limp.  She said, “If people think that I have a hurt foot, they won’t think I’m crazy for wearing my house shoes in public.”  Because faking a limp isn’t crazy at all, huh mom?  The uncrazy thing would have been to just walk normally into the store.  Or even perhaps to never have worn house shoes outside in the first place.

She faked the limp all the way throughout the store.  Sometimes it was her right, sometimes it was her left.  Regardless of the side...she totally committed to her injury.  I’m not saying that she has a flair for the dramatic, but she had surgery some years later and now I’m wondering if she just didn’t want to go to that Parent/Teacher conference that was scheduled for me...um, I mean Hannah.  Actually, I mean, this is Hannah and it was my conference.

_______________

Circa 1985

On the way to Hannah’s piano practice, my mom was sharing motherly advice on the importance of acting like a lady.  Apparently, this and many other conversations “took” because Hannah is quite the lady and quite the fashionista as well.  Still today, Hannah gets emergency fashion advice from mom.  Mom patiently waits as Hannah explains the “supposed” emergency and then gives advice for what to wear.  She doesn’t actually know what “White scarf” Hannah is referring to, but she does a great job pretending that she does...but, I digress.  Back to the Motherly advice...

A quick stop for a drive thru dinner was all that time would allow.  After her lady-like advice, my mom took a drink of her diet coke and . . . well . . . she let out an un-lady-like burp.  My sister started laughing and said, “That wasn’t very lady-like!”  My mom responded, “It’s ok, no one else is around!”  

Yes, mom - but you forgot that Hannah was around.  Is she scarred by that event today?  Well, we’re not sure.  It’s possible though...it is possible.  I wouldn’t say that she looks at you differently...It’s more like she looks at life differently.

_______________

Circa 1989

My sister was 16 and ready for her first solo, out of town car trip.  She was actually only going about 20 miles away from home, but it was a big 20 since it was her first.  My mom was worried about Hannah’s trip and was fearful that she would get lost.  Not being confident that her verbal directions were enough, my mom decided to draw a map.  My mom grabbed a legal pad and drew our house and the street on which it sat.  She continued with drawing our street down the center of the page and until reaching an intersection.  Hannah should turn left and as my mom drew this she was annoyed that after only 1 turn, she was out of room on the paper.  Not to be outdone, she tore out the sheet and grabbed some tape.  With a new sheet, she continued the left turn onto the new page that had been taped to the left of the original sheet.  These taped page additions continued to the top, bottom and sides of each new page whenever a turn should take place.  When she was finished drawing, Hannah had her very own (almost life sized) 9 page fold out map to guide her to her destination.  I’m just glad that she wasn’t going further than 20 miles...I don’t think we had enough paper!  In that moment...I remember wanting to step in and ask how Hannah would find her way back home, but that would have been cruel.  It would have been cruel to my mom, to Hannah...and to countless trees.

What did Hannah and I learn from all of this?  What did our mom teach us?

1.  When faced with public embarrassment...Embellish the issue and then embrace it.  Life will be much more enjoyable if you just “go with it.”

2.  It may be important to be lady-like, but just make sure you are still yourself.  Enjoy life and don’t forget to have fun.

3.  There are times in life when you are not sure how to get to where you are going.  The journey is always more interesting than the destination.  Enjoy it.

Happy Mother’s Day mom!  We love you and thank you for being you...even the fake limping part of you.  You taught much.  You love much.  We are thankful and we love you.

Dad, don’t feel left out...Father’s Day comes in June...

JJ & HJR

Addicted To Social Media

Gone are the days of being out of reach.  Everyone has a cell phone and even my parents have a texting plan and a facebook page.  The Dalai Lama has a Twitter Account!  We are certainly plugged in like never before.

As Social Media and Smart phones become increasingly popular - so does our dependence on them.  I hope the following Top 10 List will help you determine if your dependence has reached an unsafe level.

The Top 10 Signs You Are Addicted To Twitter, Facebook and Texting

10.  Your thumbs are now your strongest body part.

  9.  You are ok with random strangers “following” you.

  8.  The last time you actually had a face to face encounter was in 2004.

  7.  You post on your spouse’s wall rather than talking at dinner.

  6.  You now use “Text Speech” in conversation...OMG LOL JK

  5.  You list @mymom as your emergency contact.   

  4.  You check status updates while using the restroom.

  3.  You verbally #hashtag things in every conversation.   

  2.  You’ve understood each of these social media references.

And the Number 1 Sign You Are Addicted To Twitter, Facebook and Texting:

       You listed “Facebook Proficiency” on your latest resume’.

Thanks for Reading.  

Feel free to text me sometime or follow me on Twitter @jamisonjon.

JJ