The Dirty Plate

My parents visited this week from Texas and told me about a restaurant that they spotted while driving to Iowa.  They saw a restaurant in Missouri that’s called “Toot Toot Family Dining”.  I’m sure that this is a fine establishment, but on the surface, it’s name is not one that would necessarily inspire confidence.  

Names are important, especially when it comes to restaurants.  This got me thinking about what would make a good name and more importantly, what would not be a good name at all.

Since my parents were visiting, they agreed to help me populate the following list.  We hope you enjoy.

Below are a Baker’s Dozen of our Worst Fictitious Restaurant Names:

13.  Billy’s Burgers and Botulism Cafe’

12.  Won Ton Taco and Fishery

11.  Lactose Larry’s Dairy Bar

10.  Regret Sushi Bar

  9.  The Dirty Plate

  8.  Defibrillating Deli

  7.  Heimlich’s

  6.  The Spoon and Bucket...All You Can Eat

  5.  Salmonella Sallie’s

  4.  E. Coli Eddie’s

  3.  Fire in the Hole Burritos

  2.  Sour Stomaches

And the Number One Worst Fictitious Restaurant Names Is . . . 

Teresa’s Gristle Surprise

Have a great day and . . . enjoy lunch somewhere special.

JJ

"You Look Really Bad"

I was at work today and a lady asked me, "Are you sick?"  I wasn't sick, so I told her, "No".  She gave me a look like I was trying to get away with something and then asked again, "Are you sure you aren't sick?  Ok, now I feel like I'm lying to the lady and this forces me to think more intently about her question.

"Was I sick?" I asked myself.  I answered myself, "No...not that I know of".  So I told the lady the same thing.  

You'd think that this little conversation would be over at this point.  Question asked and answered...but it was not over.  The lady responded with a very skeptical, "Really?  You look really bad."

Ok, people.  Did this lady jut tell me that I look bad?   I didn't ask for this today.  I actually started the day feeling well.  I had gotten up early.  I went for a run.  I showered and got dressed.  I felt great.  For some reason, I was even a little better dressed this day than my usual blue jeans and t-shirt.  What was going on?  Why did this lady not believe me?  What could I possibly look like right now?  Did I really look that bad?

So I respond with a stunned, "Oh, ok.  I look bad?"  

She said, "Yeah, it's your eyes...they look..."  

She didn't finish her sentence, but sort of trailed off at the end.  In my head, I screamed, "They look like...WHAT!!??"  "What do my eyes look like!!??"  I'm getting freaked out here just a little bit.  What was going on?  At this point I kind of wonder if I'm not sick after all.  Maybe my throat could be a little scratchy.  Does my stomach feel ok?  But...my eyes?  My eyes felt fine.  At first, I felt a little annoyed.  How could someone just up and say that I looked bad?  Now though...I'm a little concerned about my well being.

Finally, after some time, she continued, "Your eyes, they look kind of...weird...in the corner...and...kind of in the middle too."  

Oh, no!  In the corner AND in the middle?  It's spreading!  

I knew that I should've been taking that multi-vitamin!  Perhaps that chicken last night was a bad call.  I’m still young.  How am I going to break this to my family?  How will I break it to my doctor?  He’s going to be so disapointed in me. WAIT...wait a minute.  Am I actually sick?  I wish I had a mirror.

"I guess I could be tired", I said with hesitation.

She said very reluctantly, "Maybe..."  Again, she looks at me like I'm hiding something.

Seriously!  What is the deal here?  What could I be hiding?  If I am hiding something...I'm doing an awesome job, because I haven't even told myself yet!

How long have I been hiding this from me?  I never thought that I'd do this to me...someone else could do this perhaps, but not me...not me.

I search for other answers..."I guess maybe it's my contacts.  Yes!  It's got to be my contacts!  That's why my eyes are red!"  Oh, no, wait...I'm confused.  "Are my eyes red, did you say that they are red?"

"Yes, they are red, but . . . are you sure you're feeling ok?"

Hey Friends...I hope you all are feeling ok today.  I'm feeling pretty good.  Remember, Billy Crystal told us as Fernando, "It is better to look good than to feel good...and I look maahvelous!"

Hope you enjoyed reading.  Have a great day!

JJ

Encore Presentation: Did My Phone Ring?

**This is a blast from the past...If you've got a few minutes, let me know which post has been your favorite.  I'd love to hear from you.**

We’ve all been in a crowded restaurant and thought that we heard our cell phone ring . . . only to check and discover that it, in fact, was not ringing. 

Nothing to be ashamed of.  Its loud.  Lots of extra noise.  Easy mistake to make.  No worries.

What’s causing me concern, however, is that several times of late I have experienced a more disturbing . . . how should I say it . . . “phenomenon”.

I carry my phone in my back pocket.  I’m not a belt clip guy.  I try to avoid carrying excess tools and utensils on my belt.  In fact, I don’t carry anything on my belt.  If I ever become a Super Hero, I’ll certainly wear “stuff” on my belt.  But, in the absence of this occupational change, I’ll keep my belt free for its intended purpose.

Back to my recent experiences.

So, several times of late I have “felt” my phone vibrate to signal an incoming call or text.  However, upon retrieving my phone I come to find out that in fact, my phone did not ring  .  .  . or vibrate.

Ok.  No one called or texted . . . I can live with that.  What is disturbing to me is that I “felt” something.  Why would I “feel” something?  What would I “feel”?  This doesn’t make sense and kind of creeps me out a bit.  

Nothing should be going on back there.  I’m not sure if this is some type of medical condition or what it could be.  

If it is a medical condition, how would I ever confirm such a diagnosis?  I wouldn’t.  I’m not walking into a clinic and telling a doctor that I’m experiencing “vibrations.”  No, that’s not happening.

What if its a technical issue?  What if my phone is actually vibrating, but does so at random times with no discernable purpose?  Am I going into my Sprint store and explaining my “sensations” to the 15 year old techie?  No, that’s not happening either.

Look, I don’t know what’s going on.  I’m genuinely concerned though.  Nothing on my body should be moving without prior knowledge from yours truly.  I’m actually afraid to answer my phone now.  Is it really ringing this time or am I well on my way to staring in an episode of “Mystery Diagnosis”?

What I’m trying to say is . . . if you want to get in touch with me - send me an email or hit me up on twitter - @jamisonjon, but don't call.

Furthermore, I . . . um, um, I . . .

Sorry, I gotta go . . . my phone’s ringing . . . I think . . . 

JJ

ATM After Dark

I just received a new debit card in the mail.  It was attached to a piece of paper that gave me some instructions on how to activate my card.  Pretty normal stuff.  The backside of the paper, however, opened my eyes to a world that I, until now, have largely ignored.  I hope that I don’t overstate my level of training after having read this document, but I am now basically qualified to be some sort of spy or special agent.

The heading on the back page of this document states:

Stay in control of your security  

This was followed by several subcategories teaching me how to remain safe and in control.

Selecting your Personal Identification Number (PIN)

-When selecting your PIN, do not use any number that appears in your wallet.   Really?  I can’t use any number that appears in my wallet.  Taking a quick look, I discover that the following numbers are inside my wallet: 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 & 9... This presents a problem for me in selecting a PIN.  I decide I’ll have to come back to this problem later.  Maybe I’ll ask my wife for help.

-Memorize your PIN - Never share it with anyone or write the number down.  It’s at this point that I begin to realize that I have stumbled upon something serious.  Here I thought that I was just renewing my debit card, but this is much more serious.  I’m wondering if this “not telling anyone” includes my wife.  I trust her.  I’ve been married to her for more than 15 years.  We are kind of a team, but . . . in light of this Wells Fargo document . . . I’m not sure she can be trusted.  It clearly stated that I should not share it with “anyone.”  I’m sure they know that I’m married.  They know my Social Security number and everything.  The pressure is on for me now, I can’t even write this number down.  I contemplate writing it down just once and then burning the paper, but I don’t.  It seems too risky.

-Change your PIN every six months.  What?!  Do I work at the Pentagon now?  I force myself to take a break from this debit card renewal...the pressure is mounting and I’m not sure I can do this.  I don’t change the oil in my car every six months . . . how in the world am I going to remember to change this PIN number every six months?  I have already decided not to write this number down, but I wonder if I could get one of those things implanted in my hip like Matt Damon did in The Bourne Identity?  I’m kind of thinking that Jason Bourne has read this same document.  I’m ready.  The break did me good.  Bring it on!

Managing your account

-Shop with merchants that you know and trust.  Well, that does it . . . I’ll never walk in a mall again in my life.  There is no one in there that I know and trust.  This one doesn’t really bother me . . . after all, something’s gotta get cut.  I also think through my time in Target and Wal-Mart stores . . . I question if I really know and trust the people behind the counter.  In light of my new skepticism of my wife of 15 years, then I guess I don’t trust these “store people” either.  I make a note to myself to try and come up with a merchant that I do trust.

Using an ATM

-Be aware of your surroundings and exercise caution when withdrawing funds.  Of course, common sense.  This is totally understandable.  

-Consider having someone accompany you when using an ATM after dark.  Ok, guys.  How serious is this thing getting?  Exercise caution AND have someone go with me?  Does it matter who goes with me?  Could my daughter go?  Should it be someone in law enforcement or someone who knows a form of martial arts?  I’m confused . . . and I’m frightened.

-Watch for suspicious persons or activity around the ATM.  Ok, check.  My eyes will be peeled.  If you observe suspicious persons or circumstances, do not use the ATM at that time.  Ok.  If someone weird is there (other than me and my bodyguard) I won’t use the ATM.  If you are in the middle of a transaction, cancel the transaction, take your card, leave the area and come back at another time or use an ATM at another location.  Oh, man - I didn’t think about something happening in the middle of a transaction.  This is getting scary.  It seems like a lot to remember to cancel, take my card AND leave the area.  Quick question...what’s my bodyguard doing during this time?  Why did I hire him?  Why did I buy him that gun?

-Ensure no one sees you enter your PIN.   What about my bodyguard?  I guess if my wife is out . . . Rocco is out too.  (Rocco is my bodyguard).  

-Refrain from displaying cash and put it away as soon as your transaction is completed.  Wait to count your cash until you’re in the safety of a locked enclosure, such as a car or home.  Great!  Now I guess I can’t do my little “I got some cash” dance that I’ve been doing!  It’s a really fun dance, and I’m pretty good at it.  Sometimes, I like to make the money into a fan and just sit back, eat grapes and fan myself with my cash right there in the front of the ATM.  Other times I yell, “Booyah!” when I grab my cash and point to it over and over saying, “What?  Who’s got some green?  I do, I do!”  Those days are gone, I guess.  

I can’t even count it until I get into an enclosed structure?  This one is hits me hard!  I really enjoy sitting on the ground with my legs crossed while sorting everything out in stacks of 10.  I count it all 2 or 3 times before leaving the ATM.  I’m not saying I’ll keep doing it, I’m just saying this one will be difficult.

-When using a drive-up ATM, keep your engine running.  Aside from the driver’s window, keep all of your doors and windows locked.  This is ridiculous.  Keep the engine running?  I’m beginning to look like a get away car.

That’s when I realized that what I had actually been mailed was instructions on how to rob a bank . . . see if it doesn’t hold true.

1.  Get a plan and share it with no one.  Don’t write it down...don’t leave a paper trail

2.  Case out the place and look for witnesses.

3.  Bring some muscle.

4.  Consider bailing on the job if people are around.  Don’t let others see what you are doing.  Count all cash at another location.

5.  Keep your engine running and be ready to split if things go South.

Now I’m more nervous than ever.  I’m deciding to just go with the “debit card” thing instead of the “rob a bank” thing.  I will definitely be looking into getting that Bourne Identity chip in my hip though.  I had some more thoughts to share with you, but my wife is coming and I’m afraid she’ll ask me what my PIN is...

Hope you’ve enjoyed reading.  Have a great day and keep “watching for suspicious persons.”

JJ