Last Weekly Blog

Hey friends,

I started this attempt at writing a blog almost 1 year ago and it’s been fun for me...I hope it’s been fun for you too.  It was a new experience for me...that of putting my thoughts out there for you to read.  It was never really difficult to come up with thoughts for each week because I always have some weird things that are running through my mind.  This blog was just an outlet for these thoughts to find a place to rest.

2 weeks ago, I tried my hand at stand-up.  I loved it.  I loved it so much, that I went again the following week.  It is now apparent that I’ll keep going...and going.  If I didn’t have an actual job, I’d do stand-up AND write a weekly blog, but since that is not the case...I don’t believe that I can do both.  Now is the time for me to work on my stand-up.  I need to do stand-up now because I don’t know how long my knees will hold up.  If I suffer an injury on stage then, I’ll know that the blog is an option, but until then...

As I look back at my blogging year - there are several posts that rise to the top for me as my favorites.  Below is my last Top 10 List.  If you’re bored over the holidays...feel free to read a few of these posts.  It’ll be a good excuse to get you out of talking to your uncle Carl.

Jon’s Top 10 Blog Posts of 2011

10.  An Apple A Day

  9.  Did My Phone Ring?

  8.  You Readin’ A Blog?

  7.  Mesh Netting and Bongo Drums

  6.  “Fun Size” Candy Bars

  5.  Charlie Chuckle

  4.  Mission Complete

  3.  Eat, Drink and Get Diabetes

  2.  I Don’t Really Think This Is The Time

And Jon’s Favorite Blog Post of 2011 is

The Sneeze That Changed My Life

...Honorable Mentions

You Should Have Thought About Eating Fruit Before Now

Polite, but Lazy

This really has been fun for me.  I’ll probably post from time to time.  I'm sure I'll see something or think about something that I'll want to put out there, but it won’t be a weekly thing.

Thanks for your support and your interest in my odd thoughts.

Hope you’ve enjoyed reading.

Have a great day!

JJ


Feel free to check my stand-up out in person .... or on Youtube:  
Jon Jamison "Phone Tag",   Jon Jamison "Mysterious" ,     Jon Jamison "McDonald's" .
 

Blue Ribbon BBQ

There are several things about BBQ restaurants that make them...just a little bit different.  Today I'm going to share a few random thoughts related to these things.

-Does anyone know how to actually spell Barbeque?  It has more acceptable spellings than Gadhaffi.  Barbeque...Barbecue...BBQ.  My spell check likes Barbecue, but I don't.  I'm gonna go with Barbeque.  I hope we can still be friends.

-You can tell you are going to be eating at a BBQ place just by reading the name.

Think "Billy's Smokehouse" or “The Smokeshack” - its no secret that you're gonna be eating bbq.  Why do barbeque restaurants so often have to have "smoke" in the name?  Are we not able to make assumptions as to how the fare is prepared without such descriptions in the title.  I can go to a seafood restaurant without having to know how the seafood was caught or prepared.  There is not a seafood restaurant named, “Pan Seared Paradise”.  Deli’s and sandwich joints may get a little clever at times, but they don’t describe how they are going to make the sandwich.  I've never been to a sandwich place with the word, "Sliced" in the title.

-What's up with all of the ribbons and supposed victories at bbq championships in these restaurants?  I’ve never been in a bbq restaurant without the blue ribbons being exposed.  On the other hand, I’ve never seen these adornments in a different type of restaurant.  Are Barbeque places the only restaurants that have contests?  I've never been in a Burger joint with a large check hanging on the wall and a host of blue ribbons dangling from the ceiling.  It seems that bbq restaurants have a bit of a need to be patted on the back...it’s sad, really.

-Barbeque restaurants often have a picture of a really cute and happy pig in their logo too.  I've been to steak restaurants with a big steer out front, but he never seemed cute or happy to be there.  He usually seems to know that this isn't going to go well for him.  The pig is different though...he’s all too happy to bring you inside to a feast in which he is the star.

-I saw a barbeque restaurant the other day called, "Three Blind Pigs".  Here we have the standard Pig reference, but we seem to have mixed up our nursery rhymes.  I'm thinking that "Three Blind Mice" is not quite the mental image that I want to have when entering a restaurant.  That brings cleanliness into question on a number of levels.

If I could give you a big blue ribbon for reading this blog, I would.  But then there would be delivery issues...how much would it cost to mail them all?  How much do those ribbons even cost?  A lot, I bet.  I've been kind of busy lately, I'm not even sure I'd have time to design such a banner right now.  Maybe, I could do something after the holidays...

Look, I appreciate you reading - but on second thought, I'm not gonna send you anything.  Sorry.

Have a great day.

JJ

NO STANDING

I had to drive several hours the other day and, as I drove, I saw dozens and dozens of road signs that seemed to be unnecessary.  I get that there should be signs, but we may be overdoing it in the sign department.

The first that got my attention was a sign near a construction zone that read, “Men Working”.  First of all, I’m not sure this is accurate.  I don’t often see “Men Working”, but perhaps “Men Standing Around” would be more accurate.  Maybe having a sign that reads, “1 Man Working and 3 Men Watching” would be better.  Better still, how about, “Man Holding Flag”?  I think that this would best depict what you’re about to see.

I’d love to see a sign that read, “You’re about to see some abandoned equipment up ahead”.  If sign makers were being truthful, I would’ve seen this sign at least 3 times on this latest trip.

I’m still not sure we need to know all of the details that we’re given.  You don’t have any of these signs around your workplace:  “Attention, Guy Doing Some Filing In Next Room.”  Facebook Certainly, nobody needs this sign as they approach your desk - “Lady Checking Ahead”.  Overdoing it just a bit, I think.

Obviously, I also saw quite a few Speed Limit signs too.  No argument here - these are needed, but I also saw a Speed Minimum Sign.  This one seems unnecessary to me.  I can see someone saying, “Honey, slow down...Don’t speed!”  However, I can’t see a conversation that goes like this, “Watch it honey, there’s a cop!  You better speed up right now!  Seriously, we are going way too slow.  If you don’t take it out of 2nd gear...we’re are totally gonna get busted!”  Seems weird, right?

The last sign I’ll mention is a sign that I saw while I was walking downtown the other day.  This sign read, “NO STANDING”.  What??!  ‘No Standing’?  How am I supposed to walk down the sidewalk and not stand?  I twisted and contorted my body just trying to obey the law.  I certainly don’t need to go to prison for breaking this insignificant law.  That would be wildly embarrassing.  

Prison Cell Mate: “Hey, what are you in for?”                                                                               Me: “Standing.”                                                                                                                             Prison Cell Mate: “I’m going to kill you now.”                                                                                Me: “I know.”

As you can see, some signs are inaccurate, some are unnecessary and still others are just plain confusing (not to mention, dangerous).

I’m glad there are sings, but I’m not sure I have enough legal expertise to understand what they all mean.

Thanks for reading.  Have a great day and. . . stand wherever you want to, just because you can!

JJ

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is right around the corner.  In fact, it may be even closer than that...Thanksgiving is only 3 days away and I’m ready for it. 

Much is made of Thanksgiving these days.  We hear people talking about being thankful.  We hear talk of turkey and dressing.  We are inundated with Holiday talk as this day officially ushers the Christmas season into our midst.  There is no way around it, Thanksgiving is fun.

We are often reminded of the Pilgrims during these days.  We are reminded how they bravely set out toward a new world in search of freedom.  We are told how difficult life was in the early years as they were faced with many hardships.  As I have been thinking about the Pilgrims, it has brought to mind a few thoughts.   

My Top 10 Thoughts About Pilgrims And The 1st Thanksgiving

10.  If Pilgrims were here today...they’d be crazy old.  

  9.  If Pilgrims were here today...I think they’d be disappointed at how poorly their hats with buckles would be received.

  8.  I bet the Pilgrims were just as annoyed by the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade as we are.

  7.  Some people think that the Pilgrims watched football after dinner.  That’s ridiculous!  They totally watched soccer.  #England

  6.  I bet it was pretty awkward for the Pilgrim if the person answering the Turkey hot line was in England.

  5.  The wisest and most successful Pilgrims came to dinner wearing stretchy pants.

  4.  It’s a true, but little known fact that for the 1st Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims ate at a Denny’s, just South of Plymouth Rock.

  3.  It wasn’t until nearly 200 years after the 1st Thanksgiving that the custom of bathing at some point during Thanksgiving week became commonplace.

  2.  We can officially blame Pilgrim John Howland for the introduction of the “Kids Table” at Thanksgiving dinner.  

And My Number One Thought About Pilgrims And The 1st Thanksgiving Is...

After dinner, the elder Pilgrims fell asleep and drooled in their easy chairs while the younger Pilgrims texted each other on their iPhones.

I’m thankful for the time you spend reading my thoughts.  If you've enjoyed your reading, I’d really be thankful if you’d repost or retweet this Thanksgiving blog. 

Hope you’ve enjoyed...and I hope you have a great Thanksgiving.

JJ

The Anatomy of Flight

I flew today.

Don't get too excited, I was actually just a passenger on an airplane while the pilot did most of the actual flying. Being on the plane did give me an opportunity to think about the culture that exists on airplanes though.

Like it or not, if you travel alone, you are forced into a relationship with fellow travelers. This can be a positive experience or it could be....have you ever seen the movie "Planes Trains and Automobiles"? It could be nightmarish.

I've noticed three types of "relationships" that develop in the aluminum tube in the sky. (excuse the flying lingo) You'll usually get one of these options...

1. The "I'm gonna pretend you're not here" guy. This is the guy who does everything he can to ignore you while sending a message that he is just way too preoccupied to engage in meaningless conversation. This is usually accomplished by giving you no eye contact. He will also make a big show of his headphones, his book or his uncontrollable sleepiness.

I once saw a guy that ate a footling sub sandwich and added a half a pack of mayo for each bite...just to ensure that he wasn't bothered. Believe me...I didn't want to interrupt. I wanted to die, but I certainly wasn't gonna start a conversation. Maybe slip him my cardiologist's card, but no conversation. For you, this is a solitary flight...but that's ok. It could be worse...much worse.

The second option will make you long for the complexity and uncomfortableness of the first.

2. This is the "Impromptu counseling session" guy.

This is the guy who is actually already talking to you as he sets down. He basically says, "I'm gonna use the next 3 hours to tell you all of my worries." Then, beginning with his earliest memories, he leans on you for comfort and wise counsel. His childhood was troubled. His dad had the Jimmy legs and his mom had 11 toes. Life has been tough and his gambling addiction sure hasn't done him any favors. He plays the ponies and he can just feel that his luck is about to change...

Just as you are thinking that it couldn't get any worse...it happens...he becomes the counselor/investigator. You are the client/suspect and all attention is now on you. He reaches up and turns the overhead spotlight on and begins his interrogation. "Where are you going?", he asks. The light is burning and you feel like this guy's seen too many episodes of Law and Order. "What are you passionate about?" "Tell me about your dreams", he says with a little too much excitement. I'll tell you what you're dreaming about, right now you're dreaming of moving to that open seat in row 14.

And now we come to the third and final traveling companion...

3. This is the "Landing Gear Buddy".

This is the most complex guy.. For the first two hours and fifty minutes he looks like guy #1...avoiding eye contact, fiddling with the iPod, reading, sleeping...the whole deal..

But then, just as the landing gear drops, he springs into action. He turns to you...excited and ready to talk ... and more importantly, ready to hear from you. "Here on business?" "Hope you don't have a long drive once we land."

This guy's so normal....too bad the flight's almost over. You could almost see yourself hangin' out with this guy. This guy is the most complex, but he's also the most normal.

He's been afraid that you were guy #2 all of this time and was afraid to engage you in any conversation. What if he'd opened up the conversation at take off and then would've been forced to listen to your story about that time your cousin Carl forgot your birthday.

Once the landing gear is down, however...he knows that the clock is ticking. He's in the safety zone known as "final approach." It'd be rude not to say anything.

I like this guy. I appreciate this guy. I am this guy.

Here's to traveling with new "friends." Here's to sitting next to guy number 3. More importantly...here's to you NOT being guy #2.

JJ

Clock Confusion

Daylight Savings Time has always been a difficult concept for me.  How is it that we have such power that we can just get together and say, “Ok, people...it is now 4:15.”  It’s a cool idea, but just not one that I fully grasp.

Having now admitted my intellectual limitations - I need to share a recent experience with Daylight Savings Time.  Actually, it was the cessation of Daylight Savings Time this past weekend that brought about an issue for me.  Side note:  I so miss Daylight Savings Time.  I desperately hate it getting dark before I finish eating lunch!

According to the “powers that be”, Daylight Savings Time literally ended at 2am on Sunday morning.  Now, I’m not one to buck the system or choose to skate by on minimal effort.  For those of you who know me, you’ll agree that I’m nothing, if not a purist.  Being ever the purist...I felt that I needed to closely adhere to what the experts were instructing of us followers.

The plan was set and I must admit - it was foolproof...or so I thought.  I set my alarm for 2 am.  My plan was to wake up and back my clock up to 1 so that I would erase any opportunity for failure or disaster.  What I hadn’t planned on was how sleepy and unthinking I am at 2 am.

Most of this is foggy, but this is what I believe happened in the early hours of Sunday morning.

2 am - Alarm goes off.  I jump up and somehow remember to set my clock to the appropriate hour.

1:01 am - I am asleep.

Unfortunately, in my sleepiness, I forgot to unset my alarm.

2 am - Alarm goes off...again.  I jump up and somehow remember to set my clock to 1 am, but I forgot that I had already done this once before.  I also forgot turn the alarm off.

1:01 am - I am asleep.

2 am - Alarm goes off...again.

You see my dilemma.  I’m basically living my own little version of Bill Murray in “Groundhog Day”

1st of all, let me say that all I was trying to do was to hold closely to the standard set forth by our great nation.  2nd...I’m a nice person - don’t judge.  3rd...I’ve realized that I’m really kind of out of it in the middle of the night.  I once rocked a throw pillow for an hour when I thought I was rocking my infant daughter back to sleep.  It was a special time for me and that little pillow.

Well - on this little routine went for a great number of hours.  I’m a little bit embarrassed to tell you how long it actually lasted, but let me just say...I missed a number of appointments on Sunday morning and then on into the afternoon.  On another note - you wouldn’t believe how well rested I am right now.

Here’s to Daylight Savings time.  Here’s to it getting dark way to early.  Here’s to being a purist...and an idiot.

JJ

Walgreens

I was just at Walgreens Pharmacy picking up a prescription for my daughter.  As I’m walking down one of the aisles heading to the back of the store I saw a lady taking something off of one of the shelves.  For some reason, the item that she was taking was under an enclosed plastic door.  She raised the little plastic door to retrieve her item and a small alarm sounded.  This alarm sounded, just as I was approaching the lady.  She looked at me in horror and I felt that I needed to say something.  My intent was to ease her worries.  Unfortunately, I don’t think that I accomplished my goal.  

I’m not sure why, but this came out:  “Yikes, that could be embarrassing!”  

“That could be embarrassing!”??  What was I thinking?  I actually said this to the mortified lady.  I continued walking and then turned to see what it was that the lady was taking and it happened to be diarrhea medication.  Was she embarrassed?  Probably.  Was I a moron?  Definitely.  Why was there an alarm on a laxative though?  Why would the store want an alarm to sound for this item?  As if the person wouldn’t be tentative enough purchasing diarrhea meds.  Why not just have the manager come over the intercom and introduce the lady as she reaches in for her desperately needed (and private) item?

“Attention customers...You’re not going to believe what this lady is buying in aisle 6!  Stand clear shoppers, stand clear!”

The moral of this story is:  “Sometimes, the last thing you need is for someone to be a jerk to you when you really just need to go to the bathroom.”

Unfortunately, this wasn’t my only experience of the day.  Thankfully, for the other customers though, my other experiences were all internal.  I must say that I was a bit surprised by some of the items that were on the shelves.  None of these “Surprising” items had alarms attached to them though.

Everyone knows that you can get most anything at these “one stop” shops.  Magazines, snacks, deodorant and makeup are mainstays.  Some of the additional items that are carried are a bit different than the mainstays and have caught me a bit off guard.

Did you know that you can get “At-home” drug tests at Walgreens?  Really.  They boldly proclaim on their packaging that it is 99.9% accurate at revealing Cocaine use.  Awesome.  Is this really such a problem that it needs to be stocked by Walgreens?  We’re not talking prescription or court ordered...it’s just there on the shelf next to the Windex.

“Billy, come to the dining room table...mom and I’ve got a test we want you to take.”

You can buy large “Surgical Dressing Pads” here too.  I’ve removed the occasional splinter or two, but I’ve never done something at home that needed surgical dressings.  These things look like they will take care of wounds related to your garden variety knife fight or bungee jumping accident.  Who needs to go to the Emergency Room when you can just pick up your own surgical dressing?  Maybe this is what “Universal Healthcare” means . . . Universally, you can get any thing you need for your health care at Walgreens.

“The next thing I knew, Carl’s arm was layin’ on the ground...good thing a Walgreens was nearby!  We really dodged a bullet by getting those surgical dressings so quickly!”

Ok, here is the biggie!  At Home DNA Paternity Tests!  What?!  I felt like I was on an episode of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” or “Maury Povich”.  I can hear day time talk shows crying at the mass availability of such tests!  Talk about a time for an alarm!  Who’s your daddy?

I can just see someone trying to yank out a lock of their taxi driver’s hair.  “Sorry about that...I’ll keep you updated on the results though....Dad.”  Awkward.

Who knew that just a little trip to the store would reveal so much?  Evidently, I’m capable of naturally stepping on someone when they’re down and I can find out who my dad is, drug test him and repair a massive flesh wound all in one trip.

Thanks Walgreens, for being available for our society’s every freakish need.

That's Why It Was A Dollar!!

A friend told me this week that her stomach was hurting.  She said, “I’m not sure why, but maybe it has to do with the food I ate from the Dollar Tree.”

“Wait a minute...you ate food from the ‘Dollar Tree’...what kind of food?”, I asked. I though it had to be some type of candy or chips or something.  At this point, I didn’t even know that the Dollar Tree sold food!  But it wasn’t candy or chips...

“Chicken Nuggets...I had chicken nuggets from the ‘Dollar Tree’.”

I’m in total disbelief.  “Of course your stomach is hurting!  You’re not supposed to eat food from the Dollar Tree!”   I couldn’t bring myself to ask if they had been refrigerated or not.  I’m picturing them on the shelf with tablecloths, discount diapers and some sort of plastic tic tac toe board.  

I would honestly go hungry before I ate ‘food’ from the Dollar Tree.

I picture sitting on a curb and someone asking, “Whatcha eatin'?”  “Dollar Tree Chicken,” I respond.  Fear comes over them.  Panic fills their face.  A frantic 911 call is made, but in the end, my unconscious body is unaware of the help that finally arrives.  In this case, you can’t have your chicken and eat it too.

Another friend of mine told me this week that he had a breakfast sandwich from Starbucks and that it wasn’t that good.  He seemed a little surprised.  “In fact, he said, it was disgusting!”  

Really?  Food from Starbucks wasn’t up to par.  Seems odd, they’ve really placed all of their hope into their food bringing you in to the store.

I tried to explain this to my friends this week and maybe you’ll see where I’m coming from.  This is my general rule of thumb:  You can’t eat at a place where food is not their “main thing” and then be surprised when it turns out to be disgusting.  It’s possible that a “non food store” could have a good food item or two, but it’s very unlikely.  They can’t possibly be good at selling greeting cards and scrambling eggs.

I can’t really go fill up my car with gas and then be surprised when the hot dog, that I purchased from its heated rolling rack, has me praying for the sweet relief of death within 2 hours.  It’s a GAS Station...pun intended.  Why would I think that their food was a “good idea?” Actually, I should be surprised if it didn't cause me some sort of pain!

Should I go into Walgreens and get excited about the sale on Shrimp?  Never gonna happen.

Would I buy steak from the back of my postal carrier’s van?  A milkshake from my cable company?

We never experience this phenomenon in reverse.  I’ve never heard someone telling me about getting windows installed in their house by Burger King.  No one goes to marriage counseling by Subway.

Bottom Line is this...  

1.  Only eat food from grocery stores or from actual restaurants.  

2.  Don’t fill up on food from places that you can fill up your car or from places without refrigeration equipment.

Here’s to your next meal...choose wisely my friend.

Jon

"Fun Size" Candy Bars

Halloween is just around the corner and they are starting to appear.   This is an old post, but I just had to drag it back out as this season approaches.  Well, here goes...I hope you enjoy.

=====================

I recently had a "fun size" snickers bar.  You know what I'm talking about - its a candy bar that's not quite ripe.  Its a small version of the real thing.

I'm a bit intrigued by the title given these mini bars.

I don't yet understand why they would be called "fun size".  In reality, they are not even "adequate size" candy bars.  You almost always need 2 or 3 even to be adequate.  Why "fun"?

The candy maker certainly wouldn't want to call them "small size" because then the fear would be that we'd think the bars were too expensive given their "small size".  I suppose the candy maker couldn't just ignore the size altogether and not give them a name...that would just be weird.  "Why are these bars so small?", we'd ask.  The name at least gives us an indication that something purposeful is being done.  But what?

Which brings us back to . . . "Fun size".  Why "fun"?  What about a tiny, 3/16 of a candy bar is fun?  

Is it because I can fit it into my pocket and enjoy it on the go?  No.  I'm too forgetful.  What isn't "fun" are the mounting bills from my Dry Cleaner.  Chocolate can be stubborn.

Is it fun because it contains less calories than a regular size candy bar?  No.  Nothing about reduced calories is "fun".  "Fun" doesn't count calories.  Maybe they could be called "Less Fun Size".  I think that would paint a picture.

What would be fun would be a gigantic 3lb candy bar.  That's fun.

Or how about a free candy bar . . . of any size?  That's fun too.

Maybe we could just call them Halloween Candy Bars.  You know, its the size of bar that you don't mind handing out to strangers at your front door once a year.  Its not like your giving away actual candy bars.  It's "fun".

Perhaps we could call them Easter Candy Bars.  The size of bar you don't mind losing in a field.  Its the size of bar that could actually be lost in a field.  Maybe they are easier for the Easter Bunny to carry??

You see my dilemma.

In the end . . . I still can't see why it is so "fun', but . . . I'm making a research commitment today.  I'm gonna keep eating them and with every bite, I'll seek to understand just what makes them so "fun".

What?  

Can't I disagree with the verbiage and still recognize its tasty goodness?  Did you expect me to stand on some sort of moral high ground over a little name dispute and NOT eat the candy?  Come On!  

Small or Large . . . "Fun" or Tiny . . . its still a candy bar.  No matter what you call it.

I'll just call it good.

JJ

Leftovers

Tonight was similar to most any other night at our house.  I had dinner with my wife and daughter and afterwards, my wife and I were cleaning up in the kitchen.  I had already enjoyed a great dinner and was thankful for our meal together.

My daughter hadn’t quite eaten all of her food so I took it upon myself to “help her” clean her plate.  It would be a shame to let all of that food go to waste.  So, I didn’t let it go to waste...I ate it.  

Now I was full, but happy to do my part to help the family.  And then it happened...

As my wife was trying to put the chili into a storage container she realized that it wouldn’t fit.  She turned and looked at me as if to say, “Our family needs you!”  She didn’t actually say this, but I got the message - loud and clear!  It’s go time!

Danger was lurking about in our kitchen in the form of a small storage container and a large pot of chili.  “Not on my watch, small storage container.  You’ve met your match!”

So, I sprang into action...for the family.  I proceeded to eat about another bowl and a half of chili.  Was I hungry?  No.  Had I planned to eat until I was near blackout stage?  No.  But, did my family need me?  Yes, yes they did.  I don’t consider myself a hero, though that word has been thrown around at times.  I just do what needs to be done.  I guess you could say that I just love my family.  Of that I am guilty and I’m also a little nauseous at this point.  

I basically just ate about 6 meals in the span of 20 minutes, but I did it for love.  Unfortunately, I’ve realized that I do this quite often.  There is the last bit of pancakes for breakfast that can’t be tossed.  The last of the banana at snack time.  It’s the remains of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich and it’s the “seconds” that weren’t even touched.  My daughter needs me.  I’m not sure what the fear is regarding throwing a bit of food away - or why we can’t just get larger storage containers?  Nevertheless, there is a job that needs to be done.

I don’t normally count calories, but I’ve done some quick calculations and it seems that I’m way over what medical personnel would recommend.  I should be getting about 2,200 calories each day and on my own plate, I’m doin’ alright (about 1,800 calories).  When I count how much food I put away for the family, it comes to about 7,300 calories per day.  That's not good...at all.  If I were a hero, I'd have to worry about my Lycra suit still fitting.


If I keep this pace up, I’ll have my own show on TLC by the Spring.

Here’s to cleaning your own plate...and being a hero!

JJ

Charlie Chuckle

Here was the scene.  It was your typical public laundromat.  Dirty floor.  Rows of Washers and rows of dryers.  Several people milling about.  Folding.  Washing.  Lounging.  

We picked our machines and put our roll of quarters in each one to begin.  I think it was something like twelve dollars for a wash.  I’m remembering how easy it was to do laundry at home...when our washer actually worked.  Mindy thought it would be fun for Maggie to experience the laundromat.  So this is why we all 3 went.  I don’t know that whole families generally go to the laundry together, but we sure did.  The family who launders together stays together.

There were 4 arcade games, but only 2 were operational.  Both were “unnamed” games that have never been heard of.  My daughter immediately spotted these, so we played.  She had fun, but I wanted my money back.  The television was on.  It was the “Ellen Show”.  She was talking about having had some near death experience.  I was thinking that we might have a death experience of our own today.  It might have been the worst television ever viewed in public.  If it were a device intended to reflect every light hanging from the ceiling so as to mask what was actually on the screen...it would have been the best such device in history.  As a television however, not so much.

A lady was behind the counter to offer a “Wash and Fold” option.  She looked like she had been washed and folded herself.  I’m not sure what that even means, but we pass on that option.

There was a guy who was busy with his own laundry while we were there.  Normal enough except for one thing.  Every few minutes, he would let out a chuckle.  I’ll call him Charlie Chuckle.  The first time I heard it, I rationalized it as a cough.  The second time I heard it, I knew it was a laugh.  I looked for ear buds thinking that maybe he was listening to some type of podcast.  No ear buds.  I hadn’t heard him talking, but the next chuckle had me looking for a blue tooth.  Nope.  It was becoming clear that Charlie Chuckle wasn’t actually interacting with anyone “on the outside.”  Whoever he was conversing with was inside his head.  So that was cool.  At least he was laughing at himself and not upsetting himself.  That could’ve been odd.

Back to our laundry.  Our games were finished and the television was unwatchable and finally it was time to get our laundry out of the wash.  Washer 1, no problem.  Washer 2...major problem.  As we began to pull the clothes out, we noticed it.  It was unbelievable.  By “it”, I mean Cat hair!!  Oh my goodness, you wouldn’t believe it!  There seemed to be more cat hair than clothes.  If there is a cat equivalent to Cruela De ville...she uses this laundry mat.  I’m allergic to cats, but this is really beside the point.  This is pretty disgusting.  If PETA had come in at this point, we would have had some major explaining to do.  It was a cat crime scene and we’d just become part of the cover-up.

Obviously, we have to rewash our clothes...in a different washer.  I wipe down our old washer to get rid of our prints.  I’d hate to see some kind of Cat CSI team come in and get busted for a crime I didn’t commit.  I make a quick run to the bank to take out a personal loan.  Thankfully I’m approved and come back with twelve more dollars for the additional load.  

More time is wasted.  More TV.  More chuckles.

Finally, our wash was complete and we loaded up and left.  That’s when it hit me.  Of course!  Why had I not put this together sooner?

What’s the moral of this story?  

Sometimes, when a guy laughs every couple of minutes, it’s because he knows who used your washing machine before you did.   

Well played Charlie Chuckle, well played.

Hope you have a day that makes you laugh.

JJ

The Dirty Plate

My parents visited this week from Texas and told me about a restaurant that they spotted while driving to Iowa.  They saw a restaurant in Missouri that’s called “Toot Toot Family Dining”.  I’m sure that this is a fine establishment, but on the surface, it’s name is not one that would necessarily inspire confidence.  

Names are important, especially when it comes to restaurants.  This got me thinking about what would make a good name and more importantly, what would not be a good name at all.

Since my parents were visiting, they agreed to help me populate the following list.  We hope you enjoy.

Below are a Baker’s Dozen of our Worst Fictitious Restaurant Names:

13.  Billy’s Burgers and Botulism Cafe’

12.  Won Ton Taco and Fishery

11.  Lactose Larry’s Dairy Bar

10.  Regret Sushi Bar

  9.  The Dirty Plate

  8.  Defibrillating Deli

  7.  Heimlich’s

  6.  The Spoon and Bucket...All You Can Eat

  5.  Salmonella Sallie’s

  4.  E. Coli Eddie’s

  3.  Fire in the Hole Burritos

  2.  Sour Stomaches

And the Number One Worst Fictitious Restaurant Names Is . . . 

Teresa’s Gristle Surprise

Have a great day and . . . enjoy lunch somewhere special.

JJ

"You Look Really Bad"

I was at work today and a lady asked me, "Are you sick?"  I wasn't sick, so I told her, "No".  She gave me a look like I was trying to get away with something and then asked again, "Are you sure you aren't sick?  Ok, now I feel like I'm lying to the lady and this forces me to think more intently about her question.

"Was I sick?" I asked myself.  I answered myself, "No...not that I know of".  So I told the lady the same thing.  

You'd think that this little conversation would be over at this point.  Question asked and answered...but it was not over.  The lady responded with a very skeptical, "Really?  You look really bad."

Ok, people.  Did this lady jut tell me that I look bad?   I didn't ask for this today.  I actually started the day feeling well.  I had gotten up early.  I went for a run.  I showered and got dressed.  I felt great.  For some reason, I was even a little better dressed this day than my usual blue jeans and t-shirt.  What was going on?  Why did this lady not believe me?  What could I possibly look like right now?  Did I really look that bad?

So I respond with a stunned, "Oh, ok.  I look bad?"  

She said, "Yeah, it's your eyes...they look..."  

She didn't finish her sentence, but sort of trailed off at the end.  In my head, I screamed, "They look like...WHAT!!??"  "What do my eyes look like!!??"  I'm getting freaked out here just a little bit.  What was going on?  At this point I kind of wonder if I'm not sick after all.  Maybe my throat could be a little scratchy.  Does my stomach feel ok?  But...my eyes?  My eyes felt fine.  At first, I felt a little annoyed.  How could someone just up and say that I looked bad?  Now though...I'm a little concerned about my well being.

Finally, after some time, she continued, "Your eyes, they look kind of...weird...in the corner...and...kind of in the middle too."  

Oh, no!  In the corner AND in the middle?  It's spreading!  

I knew that I should've been taking that multi-vitamin!  Perhaps that chicken last night was a bad call.  I’m still young.  How am I going to break this to my family?  How will I break it to my doctor?  He’s going to be so disapointed in me. WAIT...wait a minute.  Am I actually sick?  I wish I had a mirror.

"I guess I could be tired", I said with hesitation.

She said very reluctantly, "Maybe..."  Again, she looks at me like I'm hiding something.

Seriously!  What is the deal here?  What could I be hiding?  If I am hiding something...I'm doing an awesome job, because I haven't even told myself yet!

How long have I been hiding this from me?  I never thought that I'd do this to me...someone else could do this perhaps, but not me...not me.

I search for other answers..."I guess maybe it's my contacts.  Yes!  It's got to be my contacts!  That's why my eyes are red!"  Oh, no, wait...I'm confused.  "Are my eyes red, did you say that they are red?"

"Yes, they are red, but . . . are you sure you're feeling ok?"

Hey Friends...I hope you all are feeling ok today.  I'm feeling pretty good.  Remember, Billy Crystal told us as Fernando, "It is better to look good than to feel good...and I look maahvelous!"

Hope you enjoyed reading.  Have a great day!

JJ

Encore Presentation: Did My Phone Ring?

**This is a blast from the past...If you've got a few minutes, let me know which post has been your favorite.  I'd love to hear from you.**

We’ve all been in a crowded restaurant and thought that we heard our cell phone ring . . . only to check and discover that it, in fact, was not ringing. 

Nothing to be ashamed of.  Its loud.  Lots of extra noise.  Easy mistake to make.  No worries.

What’s causing me concern, however, is that several times of late I have experienced a more disturbing . . . how should I say it . . . “phenomenon”.

I carry my phone in my back pocket.  I’m not a belt clip guy.  I try to avoid carrying excess tools and utensils on my belt.  In fact, I don’t carry anything on my belt.  If I ever become a Super Hero, I’ll certainly wear “stuff” on my belt.  But, in the absence of this occupational change, I’ll keep my belt free for its intended purpose.

Back to my recent experiences.

So, several times of late I have “felt” my phone vibrate to signal an incoming call or text.  However, upon retrieving my phone I come to find out that in fact, my phone did not ring  .  .  . or vibrate.

Ok.  No one called or texted . . . I can live with that.  What is disturbing to me is that I “felt” something.  Why would I “feel” something?  What would I “feel”?  This doesn’t make sense and kind of creeps me out a bit.  

Nothing should be going on back there.  I’m not sure if this is some type of medical condition or what it could be.  

If it is a medical condition, how would I ever confirm such a diagnosis?  I wouldn’t.  I’m not walking into a clinic and telling a doctor that I’m experiencing “vibrations.”  No, that’s not happening.

What if its a technical issue?  What if my phone is actually vibrating, but does so at random times with no discernable purpose?  Am I going into my Sprint store and explaining my “sensations” to the 15 year old techie?  No, that’s not happening either.

Look, I don’t know what’s going on.  I’m genuinely concerned though.  Nothing on my body should be moving without prior knowledge from yours truly.  I’m actually afraid to answer my phone now.  Is it really ringing this time or am I well on my way to staring in an episode of “Mystery Diagnosis”?

What I’m trying to say is . . . if you want to get in touch with me - send me an email or hit me up on twitter - @jamisonjon, but don't call.

Furthermore, I . . . um, um, I . . .

Sorry, I gotta go . . . my phone’s ringing . . . I think . . . 

JJ